


Unfinished

by Pimpala27



Series: Surrender [1]
Category: Hurts (UK Band)
Genre: Drinking, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, M/M, Music, Nightmares, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-04
Updated: 2019-04-08
Packaged: 2019-06-27 10:15:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 41,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15683388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pimpala27/pseuds/Pimpala27
Summary: Perfect JuxtapositionDisclaimer, I have slight dyslexia so please forgive any spelling and grammar errors, I do my best to edit but im not so good at it. Also this is the first time i have ever let people read my work so any and all feedback is welcome, I really need outside opinions so I can learn how to improve my writing.Another disclaimer - This is not a true story, and is in no an attempt to harm or slander anyone. This is purely a work of fiction, and is inn no way a representation of real life events. I wrote this for fun, please don't take offense from the contents. its just a story that I had in my head.





	1. Witnesses

**Author's Note:**

> This has now been edited but there may still be some grammar and spelling errors  
> New chapter coming soon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Witnesses  
> Theo's Perspective  
> ~The stranger sodomy  
> Dangerous autonomy~

 

       There was always this intensity to Adam, a power and fluidity that I could never quite name. It was present from the moment he laid eyes on me that first night, and it rarely left.

That night in the bar I could feel his eyes on me, it was like a laser slowly burning me, it was so strong it became almost tangible. The feeling definitely wasn't in my imagination. he friends I was with told me all night how he was tracking me with his eyes.

“I think your mystery admirer is hoping you'll go over there!”

Hearing those words ignited something within me, and from there on I decided to have a little fun with this stranger that had seemed to find an interest in me.

The rest of the night I continued to get steadily more intoxicated and enjoy myself on the dance floor, however throughout these activities I made sure I was in my mystery admirers view. He watched me all night long as I did my best to tease him, and every so often we made eye contact, just enough for both of us to know that there was something not so innocent in our intentions.

There was something about him that I've never been able to encompass, a force that went beyond his strong build. Every movement he made had purpose to it, and he held himself with the knowledge of that. He could be so still at times he could have been a statue.

He was constantly observing the world around him, as if he wasn't entirely sure that he was a part of it. Sometimes he would just sit and watch, those were the moments when I wished the most that I could get inside his head. He would seem so far away, I wanted to know where he went.

The first interaction we ever had was him watching me, seeing something in me that I didn't even know was there. His gaze upon me stoked a fire in my belly that only he seemed to be able to tame.

Once I made my decision of how I wanted that night to end I made sure he knew exactly what I wanted. I composed myself long enough to walk over to the bar where he was sat.

The silent communication that we already seemed to have meant that it wouldn't take much effort to let him know what I was looking for. I locked eyes with him, downed the rest of my drink and dumped the empty glass at the bar. With that I winked at him with all the force I could muster and walked away.

There was an all too real chance that if I looked back he wouldn't be right behind me, but I didn't want to ruin the momentum I had built up, so I took the risk of looking like an idiot and walking out alone.

Thankfully I had been correct in making the assumption that my actions would carry with them the message of what I was looking for.

       I found myself in the alleyway next to the pub and the second I turned around there were capable hands pushing me against the brick walls. He was firm but gentle in letting me know exactly who would be in charge. I didn't mind, the idea of those powerful arms taking control made me go just the right kind of crazy.

       He boxed me in with each hand on either side of my head resting against the wall, and leaned his forehead against mine breathing heavily on my skin.

       “Do you have any idea how infuriating you are, driving me crazy dancing like that?”

       I couldn't formulate a response to his question, locked in place by eyes so blue and intense they almost didn't seem real.

       “You do know, don’t you? You knew exactly what you were doing.”

`       The sly smile that appeared on my face must have given me away, not that I was trying too hard to hide my intentions.

       He shifted slightly, angling his face to be more in line with mine. He looked down at my lips for barely a second and I almost didn't hear him whispering.

       “Can I?” It was hardly above an exhale, and it was everything I wanted to hear.

       I could barely gather myself long enough to breathe out an answer.

       “Please” If I wasn't already tipsy I would have hated the way the word sounded like a whine, but in the moment I just wanted more and could think of nothing else.

As soon as the answer left my mouth his body was flush with mine, making contact at every possible point. His lips were as soft and warm as anything I had ever felt, while his roaming hands felt like electricity muted by the barrier of fabric between us.

It didn't take long for him to become impatient, desperate to have access to more skin. His lips trailed away from my mouth marking a maddeningly slow trek to my neck. Angling my head to give him more space I didn't even try to suppress a moan.

He knew exactly how to take care of me, this brilliant stranger of mine. He made an absolute mess of me, and I think he took pride in that. From the way he was babbling about how good I had been, he must have enjoyed it too.

       Somehow being with him was like the easiest thing in the world, it was as if we were already familiar with each other and our bodies worked in tandem. We knew how to work each other over instinctively and everything just made sense.

       We stayed there for a little while, secluded in our little bubble, the rest of the world barely a thought. Him once again resting his forehead against mine, one arm around my waist, providing me support.

His breath on my skin was slow and heavy, and his hands still left trails of heat where they roamed. With the tension subdued being so close to him felt warm and safe. I could barely think, but I was still so aware of his presence.

       He kissed me again, calm and steady, so different from the desperation and need from before. My hands automatically went to his chest where I could feel his fluttering heartbeat.

“Wow!” was the only thing I could think of to say, my brain was still recovering a little. I opened my eyes to see his impossibly blue ones brighten and smile lines crinkled around them as he chuckled.

“This probably isn’t the time for formal introductions, but I feel like I should ask. What’s your name?”

At that we both laughed a little bit, understanding the irony in the succession of events that had just occurred. His eyes lit up again with that dazzling intensity that had me catching my breath.

“Theo”

He seemed to ponder on that for a second. As if the four letters of my name had some hidden meaning for him to decipher.

“huh, Theo. Simple, out of the ordinary. I like it.”

 

For some reason I felt a flutter of pride in my stomach at that, not that I needed the approval of some stranger that had just seen more of me than I cared to admit.

“And do you have a name, or will I have to remember you as the mystery guy from the bar?”

“no, definitely not. My names Adam, nothing unique about it.”

Suddenly my attention was brought back to the world around us as a wave of noise erupted from the street. It sounded like a fight was breaking out.

 

He looked at me perplexed, still with his body essentially wrapped around mine.

I was comfortable exactly where we were, but curiosity got the best of me, I wanted to see what was happening.

“Lets go check it out.”

We pulled apart, and the loss of a warm body against my own made me realize how chilly the night had gotten, and just how much of my flesh was exposed.

“Hold up.”

He looked at me, amusement clearly written on his face as I made myself as decent looking as possible given the circumstances. When I looked up he began to crowd into my space once more, grabbing my face between both his hands, even more gentle and soft than before, if that were at all possible.

I leaned in to kiss him, losing myself in the moment once again. It felt a little desperate this time, I buried my fingers in his hair, pulling him as close as possible.

He kissed back, with just as much intensity, and then pulled away all too soon. Still looking amused at my behavior, I couldn’t be bothered to feel embarrassed at how needy I appeared. It wasn’t until that moment that I realized we might never see each other again, and despite everything I was a little afraid to think about that.

Putting a little distance between us he tilted his head a little towards the entrance to the alleyway.

 

“Come on.” 

 

I walked a little bit ahead of him, just to make the whole thing a little less incriminating in case anyone saw us.

The sounds coming from the street got steadily louder, and I began to recognize a few of the voices. They were my friends. Puzzled I walked a bit faster, and when I rounded the corner I was completely taken by surprise at what I saw.

It seemed that they had gotten into a fight and had been kicked out of the pub. I really shouldn’t have been surprised, it was exactly the type of thing they would get up to.

Funnily enough the other people fighting just so happened to be Adams friends.

 

I had no intention of fighting, and Looking over at Adam I could tell he also had no interest in joining the group. So we both just stayed back and watched them make fools of themselves.

 

“I don’t mean to be rude but there's something I have been dying to ask you all night.”

 

“Ask away.”

 

“Why the hell are you wearing a blue leather jacket?”

 

Somehow that was the most hilarious thing I had heard from him all night. It was just such a random question for him to ask.

 

“honestly, I found it in a thrift shop and just immediately decided I wanted it.”

“It's such an extravagant thing to wear, when I saw you I thought you were in a band or something.”

 

“I’m not in a band, I just have an odd sense of fashion. Although I do love music, and I think it would be great to be in a band!”

“really, what kind of music are you into?’

 

“everything really, but I love electro pop, I've always thought it was underrated.”

 

Those smile lines appeared again as he started to laugh lightly. He seemed entertained by my response.

 

I tried to feign frustration at that, but I couldn’t help laughing with him.

 

“What?”

 

Shaking his head he explained, “You are absolutely one of a kind, you know that.”

I almost couldn’t stand the way he was looking at me, all of his attention focused to a nearly dizzying degree.

“You hardly know me!” I tried to deflect.

“So tell me about yourself.” His response caught me off guard, I hadn’t been prepared for this. To open myself up to a stranger, especially following the events of that night. Something made me want to tell him about myself though, the same something that secretly didn’t want to have to say goodbye.

So I did just that, I told him as much as I was willing to. To my surprise he listened, with that same look in his eye that had been there all night. I talked and he listened, and I discovered so much.

It turned out that we had both been looking to be in a band, and somehow we had the same taste in music. It was strange, everything was so mysterious but familiar at the same time. All of a sudden I was aware of the growing desire to get to know this man.

I had to consciously lose that train of thought, I hadn’t gone there that night to get to know someone. The only thing I had been looking for was immediate relief. My mind betrayed me though, and I couldn’t shake the feeling of dread that we may never see each other again and I would be left forever wondering what had happened to my mystery man with the ordinary name.

For the first time in what would become a recurring event I became afraid of what losing him would mean, and I knew that having him might be infinitely worse.

I had never planned on being so close to someone, especially not him. Somehow though everything in our relationship was unplanned, that was part of what made it interesting, I never knew what to expect.

 

We spoke for what may have been hours that night, forgetting the chaos surrounding us. We learned of the things we shared, and things that were new and unfamiliar. It was so easy and comfortable to fall into conversation with him, like reconnecting with an old friend. 

 

Slowly the fight broke up, and I became more and more aware that we would have to part ways. I also started to realize just how close we had gotten. Somehow while we were talking we had gravitated towards each other, barely a few inches apart. I steadily grew more and more aware of how it looked from the outside, and part of me wanted to shy away from that. 

 

What was I doing? An emotional attachment was the exact opposite of what I was looking for. Yet I kept entertaining his idea of forming a band, and if I was being honest with myself I would admit that the idea seemed enticing. The part of me that was always ready to take flight began to wonder if it would be so bad jumping into this realm of possibility. It would be so easy to fall into this, to continue to form this odd thing that we had. 

 

“Theo, c’mon it's time to go” 

 

Before I knew it my friends were ready to leave, and I knew I’d have to go with them, one of them was my ride. Checking my watch I realized that it was already four in the morning. That was already later than we usually stayed out, plus I had work later that day. 

 

“All right, i'm coming. Give me one second!”

 

“Sure, we'll give you some more alone time with lover boy.” A round of teasing and giggles broke out between them. I didn't really mind as long as it kept them busy. It's not as if I had kept our activities a secret. 

I found myself turned back towards him with no words on my lips, I had no inclination of what a person should say in this scenario. Luckily for me he always had the right words. 

“Do you have a piece of paper, or something I can write on?”

 

Searching my pockets I discovered an old sweet wrapper, that would have to suffice. 

 

Once again chuckling at my odd behaviours he pulled a pen out of one of his trouser pockets and took the wrapper from me. 

 

“Here, its my email address. If you want to go through with this band thing then i'm up for it.”

 

In that moment I decided that I would do it, I still don't know why, but I suddenly wanted anything he would offer. 

 

“Ok, all right. Im in, lets do it.”

 

His smile at that was almost unbearable, It made me want to run for the hills, but I couldn't look away from it. So I did the only thing I could, I smiled back. 

  
  


It was then that he did the most unexpected thing of the night. When he moved towards me I thought he was about to kiss me again, I wasn't prepared for the sudden warmth of a body wrapped around mine. 

 

On instinct I hugged back, my mind was reeling, each thought tumbling over the other. So many things that had caught me by surprise that night. Too many for my brain to work through in such short a span of time. 

 

I didn't know how much time had passed before he pulled away slightly, just enough to rest his forehead against mine one more time. Deep eyes bore straight into mine and mesmerized I could do nothing but look straight back into them. 

 

“Alright?”  

 

“Alright!”

 

He closed his eyes for just a moment longer, and then he finally released me. In the seconds before I turned away something I didn’t recognize flashed across his delicate features. Entirely unsure what to do with what I had seen, I just kept moving, walking back towards my waiting friends. 

 

I looked back only once to see him leaning back against the brick exterior wall of the club, watching the world as if it was slipping away. 

 

They were all too drunk to drive back, so I took it upon myself to get everybody home safely as I had sobered up long ago. 

 

At first they teased me about my encounter that night, grilling me for details, then teasing me more when I wouldn't provide. I was patient with them, knowing they would soon fall asleep and I would be left to my own thoughts. 

It never took very long for my friends to fall to slumber when they were dunk, and that night was no exception. For the first time that night I was enveloped with peace, and I was alone to face the mess that was my brain. 

 

I could hardly believe what that night had brought, it seemed like it couldn't possibly be real. Looking in the rearview mirror I found that for at least the next few days I would bear the physical reminder of the events of the night. I couldn't help but smile at the thought, as much as it was terrifying and unexpected, I never wanted to forget what I had found with my mystery man, even if I didn't ever find it again. 

 

That night for the first time in what seemed like an eternity it wasn't the lifeless eyes of somebody I once knew that I saw, rather blue ones filled with the light of a thousand suns. 

  
  
  
  



	2. Named

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adam's Perspective  
> ~I didn't leave you standing there, you chose to be alone~

He smelled like sweat and cheap cologne and booze. He smelled human.

 

If I believed in a God I would have prayed for his safety that night. Watching him walk away from me I felt a tightness in my chest that I could do nothing to ease.

 

There was nothing tethering us, no reason that he couldn't just throw away the wrapper with that email address on it. There was nothing that prevented us from never seeing each other ever again. All the risks I had taken that night were with that knowledge.

 

He walked away from me, and I couldn't watch so I turned away, I let my mind wander through everything I didn't know.

 

It was easy to get lost in the memories, being with him had been one of the most amazing things I had ever known, maybe even the single most amazing. Seeing him saunter in with that outrageous blue jacket.

 

Noise surrounding me pulled me out of my thoughts, dragged me back through the muddled mess of my mind.

 

As a group of people passed by me, I realized I was shivering. It wasn't cold.

 

I could have walked back to my place, I had nothing keeping me at the pub, nothing still driving me away. There was nowhere for me to be so I went everywhere, I began to wander through places familiar and unknown.

 

Paying the minimal attention I walked through city streets. I think maybe I had been looking for something, some sort of sign telling me what to do.

 

The stars were the only tangible thing I had at that moment, the only constant that followed wherever I went, so I looked to them for an answer to the questions bouncing around my head.

 

“What the hell am I doing? What am I even looking for here? It's not like this could lead anywhere.”

 

Of course there was no response, and the words in my head didn't make any more sense than they had before.

 

It wasn't until I was at my door that i realized I had made my way back to my dorm.

 

Once I was finally shut inside my room I became aware of the growing exhaustion from an unexpectedly late night out. All I wanted was a warm blanket around me.

 

I had to be careful not to make too much rukkus so as not to wake my roommate as I moved throughout the room. Quickly changing into more comfortable clothing I attempted to wind down from the events of the night.

 

Half-heartedly I had hopes that I would fall asleep quickly due to the exertion of the day. However my mind didn't seem to want to stop, everytime I would close my eyes I saw the events of the night replaying themselves in my mind.

 

There were so many thoughts tumbling around, and my mind itched, like a pesky mosquito bite. I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep until I got it all out so i got out of bed hoping that I could find a distraction, or something to tire me out.

The small room had hardly enough space to stand, and all on campus buildings were shut except the dorms. I spotted the tiny desk in the corner and a creeping thought crossed my mind.

 

It was something I hadn't done in years, and only ever for one purpose. Yet for some reason I was drawn to the idea of it.

 

For a moment I just sat there, pen in hand, as if I was waiting for something. A form of inspiration or some kind of idea of what to do with all the words in my head. I waited there until the words began to form, letters appearing one before the other in my minds eye. I touched pen to paper and it flowed without a conscious thought.

 

I wrote in a way that I hadn't since years before, but it returned to me easily. There was so much that I didn't know what to do with, putting it on paper seemed to be the only sensible thing that I could do.

 

When I finally looked up from the paper I found that there was a deep light filling the room. Already the sun was beginning to rise.

 

Grateful that I had no classes that day, I climbed back into bed. This time slumber wasn't so far away.

 

\-----------------------------

 

_Theo_

 

_I've only just realized that I don't know your full name. I think it's safe to assume that Theo is short for Theodore. I'll have to ask you, assuming that I get the chance to. In all honesty I hope I get the chance to. I have no choice in the matter though, I left that in your hands. I can't decide if that was a foolish mistake or not. I've never done that before, paved way for a sleazy bar hookup to turn into anything more. I’m drawn to you though, for some reason that escapes me I want to know you, I want to understand you._

 

_You're so vibrant, full of energy, bursting with life. I couldn’t help but want to be close to you. There was something so inviting in the prospect of following you out that door. And after that I was hooked. Once i'd gotten my hands on you I didn't want to let go._

 

_I couldn't say goodbye to you, couldn't even bear seeing you walk away. I don't know why I feel an attachment to you, we barely spent a few hours together. It doesn't make sense, this isn't the way these things are meant to happen. Yet here I am writing to a stranger that already knows things about me that I've never admitted out loud to anyone before. And here I am hoping this stranger will decide I’m worth knowing._

 

_I have no idea what I'm doing, but here I am doing it anyway._

 

_-Anders_


	3. Bluebird

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Theo's POV  
> ~even though you left me with your bones  
> you know I was scared to watch you go~

After weeks of simply corresponding over email we finally had the perfect opportunity to meet again. Admittedly I had been unsure as to whether or not it would work out, but in the end it did. Adam would be off school for the holidays and I was having a small get together at my place.

It was an odd relationship we had struck up beginning as a strangely intimate hook-up that quickly shifted to an almost business like partnership. I had no clue what to expect of our second meeting, but I should have known that the dynamic we had discovered within moments of knowing each other would carry over.

He showed up to my flat with a case of beer in one hand and a slightly rumpled tan coloured coat in the other.

“Hey, sorry it isn’t much, I just picked up whatever I could on the way here!” He explained with an almost shy smile as he held out the beer for me.

“It’s Perfect!” I assured him. “You can just put your coat In the bedroom, it’s the second door to the left down the hall!”

As he walked away I could see him taking in the scenery of the small flat, and the few friends of mine that were gathered in the more open area.

“Ooooh is lover boy finally here?” 

I was only briefly startled by the voice in my ear before I turned to face Rose.

“Adam,” I corrected before going on, “and yes he’s finally made it!”

“Wow, it's been over a month now hasn't it, isn't that like a record for you or something?”

“Is it really so odd that we would keep in contact?”

“After you've shagged outside a pub it is!”

“We didn't shag!”

“Whatever it's not my life, just be careful, it’s london, you never know who the freaks are!”

“Look who’s talking”

“Oh honey, I know im a freak.”

With a flick of her short bubblegum pink hair she strutted back to her position on the couch where she had come from. 

From where I was standing I could see that Adam had moved to the other side of the room where some of my friends were already crowding him. He seemed to be at ease despite being in a room full of strangers, talking and laughing, he fit right in. 

While listening to someone else speak he looked up and caught my eye, for the briefest of moments I was mesmerized before he looked away again. 

The weight of the beer in my hand reminded me of its presence. I made my way to the kitchen, mentally preparing myself for that night, unsure of what events might unfold. 

In the hopes that a drink might settle my nerves I grabbed a can of beer, reveling in the familiar sound as I popped the tab open.

I very nearly jumped out of my skin when I turned around to discover Adam casually standing in the doorway, leaning against its frame. There was just the barest hint of a playful look in his eyes.

“You know...” He trailed off moving towards me, never breaking eye contact. 

“They say that you shouldn't invite strangers into your home”

By now he was so close, our noses almost touching. Despite feeling frozen in place under his gaze I found the breath to speak. 

“They also say that you're not supposed to go inside a stranger's home”

“I guess we're both taking risks, huh.”

“Seems that way.”

 

It was easy banter, tossed back and forth, with just a touch of something a little breathless and waiting just below the surface. 

He paused for a moment that seemed to stretch for hours, his eyes bore into mine, searching for something within them before he spoke again. 

“So you're serious about this then, yeah, making music”

“Yeah, one hundred percent, it’s always been a dream of mine”  
“Good, I think this might just work out then!“

I only caught a glimpse of the fond smile he flashed me before we had to make room for someone grabbing a drink.

It wasn't long before another one of my friends dragged him off, infinitely interested in the newcomer, and I had to resume my hosting duties. Hosting in this case included reminding people to stop leaving the fridge open. 

The room grew louder as everyone got steadily more drunk, and I watched on, being mindful not to get drunk myself. 

“I saw you in there with him”

“What, where, what?”

“In the kitchen.”

“With who, when?”

“Your little mystery boy, earlier”

“And?”

“It was weird, I've never seen you like that!”

“Like what?”

“So enthralled by someone”

“You what?”

“It's not a bad thing. Oh don't look at me like that, it's not a bad thing, look I’m happy for you is all.”

“Phil were not a couple, I barely know the man”

“Well you look at him like he's your prince friggin charming”

“I do not”

“Whatever you say mate, anyway Dan and me were just about to head out alright. It's getting pretty late and were heading over to my parents place for new years.”

“All right get home safe, and take your rubbish gossip with you.”

“Hey its not my fault you invited him to come ‘round, speak of the devil.”

Before I could even process what what happening Phil was halfway out the door guiding a drunk dan, and Adam was taking a seat to my right. 

“Your friends keep trying to get me drunk!” 

I couldn’t help but chuckle at the image his statement created in my mind. 

“Really, and is it working?”

“Just a little.”

“They like you,” The realization hit me in the same moment that the words left my mouth.

“Sorry?”

“My friends, they like you, if they didn't you'd probably already be out the door.”

“I suppose that's a good thing, yeah?”

“Definitely”

He must have been exhausted because he appeared to be unable to suppress the yawns that came.

“I'm so tired, I think I'll take just a quick nap.” His words confirmed my suspicions. 

Closing his eyes he leaned back, melting into the couch, and within minutes I began to hear soft snores. 

When I looked away from him I found that all but one of my friends had filtered out of the flat. 

“Hey Rose.” I softly called her name to catch her attention.

“Whats up” she replied as she looked up from going through my meagre music collection. 

“Can you run to the closet in the hall and grab a pillow and blanket?”

“Here you go”

 

“Perfect”

“I think I’m gonna head out now!”

“Right, cheers mate.”

“Cheers”

With that the flat was empty save for myself and the man sleeping next to me. 

Half-asleep Adam allowed me to shift him so he was laying down on the couch with the blanket draped over him. Once I was able to ensure everything was off and the door was securely locked I went to bed with an acute sense of mystery swirling around my head. 

\---------------------------------------------------------

 

It must have been late in the night when the images of past horrors melded into a newer face as adam hovered over me, into my field of vision. 

“Theo, cmon, wake up.”

I couldn't entirely comprehend what he was saying yet, but he was able to rouse me from sleep, and answered all the questions before they left my lips.

“You were having a nightmare.”

“Oh”

“I could hear you shouting, it sounded like you were being hurt.”

I didn't even realize my face was wet until there were long fingers brushing away the tears.

There was something in his eyes that I didn’t want to see. Something far too close to concern that shouldn’t have been there. 

“Thank you”

“No worries, I should probably let you get back to sleep now.”

As he moved away from the bed I instinctively reached for him, not fully knowing what I wanted, just that I couldn't bear to be left alone with my thoughts. The words escaped me before I could stop them. 

“Stay”

He studied my hand gripping his wrist as if it was the strangest phenomenon he had ever seen, and when he looked up into my eyes the fondness that I saw was nearly unbearable. 

“Ok, scooch over.”

And suddenly adam was everywhere. His forehead against mine where it had rested so many times before, arms cradling me, fingers trailing over my shoulders and stomach and back, breath ghosting over my face. It was familiar, and safe, it was us and it didn't make sense, but it was everything I wanted.

“Is this ok?”

I nodded in response, knowing my voice would probably fail me. 

“Allright, try to sleep now.”

That night he held me like I might drift away if he let go, and I reveled in the knowledge that even for just a moment someone was there with me. 

\-----------

Morning came, and I didnt know how but the sun was bright in my face and I could indulge in the warmth it cast. Somehow rest had come, and I had been able to grasp it, and even keep it for a while. 

There was the faint memory of being awoken from cruel dreams and finding myself in Adams embrace. 

There were arms tightly wound around my waist, and when I turned I found they led back to a familiar face. Blue eyes found mine and I didnt know what to think so I simply stared back at him entirely comfortable under his watchful gaze. 

He surprised me when he closed the distance between us and placed a small kiss on the tip of my nose. 

“What was that for?” 

“I like your nose.” He made the statement with such ease, as if it was normal daily conversation for us. 

“Just my nose?” I prompted him, 

“I also like other parts of you. Your eyes for example.”

“You like my eyes and nose?”

“Indeed.”

It was at that precise moment that my decision to skip dinner the previous night came back to haunt me and the next words out of my mouth were interrupted by the very audible grumbling sound that emerged from my stomach. 

His already present smile grew into a heart warming chuckle that eradicated any remaining fear from my disrupted sleep. 

He untangled himself from around me and it was only at the loss of contact that I began to realize how much of a physically affectionate person Adam was, and just how much I enjoyed physical contact with him. It was an addiction that only grew stronger with each hit.

Breakfast was a gamble, I had no idea what the contents of my fridge might reveal, but the chances that there wouldn't be enough food were high. I was unimaginably relieved to find that I had a few eggs and the last two slices of a loaf of bread left over from the week. 

“Alrighty, how do you like your eggs mister, fried or scrambled?” I asked, hoping he would want the former option. I was all too familiar with the knowledge that scrambled eggs were easier to stretch. 

“Either, I don’t really eat breakfast. Don’t worry about me.”

Making the food was a quiet affair, he seemed quite content simply watching as I moved around, and I was grateful for the silence. 

In the time it took to prepare a decent meal I was able to mull over the events of the previous night. 

I hadn’t expected to feel relief in his presence during one of my most vulnerable moments, somehow having him with me had provided an unprecedented amount of comfort. It was an odd feeling, to know that for the moment that I wasn't alone with the horrors that chased me.

Adam sat with me while I ate, mostly watching in silence, and at some points even eating the bites of toast that I made him take. He must have been entertained seeing me scarf down the food, he looked on with rapt attention. 

“So, do you have any plans today?” His question took my by surprise, I had almost entirely forgotten that I had things to do outside of the tiny flat which I hadn't left in three days. 

“Yeah, I have a few errands to run.” When I checked the time it seemed that it was much later than I had expected. “I should probably go soon actually!”

“I could come with you if you want, I don't have anything to do myself!’ His response caught me off guard. I was enjoying his company far more than I would care to admit, and the thought of facing what lay ahead of me that day was slightly daunting. Perhaps spending more time with him wasn't the worst idea, and he had already seen more of me than anyone ever had before, I was already extremely vulnerable to him, It wouldn't have been difficult to allow him to delve even further into my life. 

Upon returning to my bedroom we were faced with the dilemma of clothing. Adam was still in the simple black trousers and white shirt that he had arrived and slept in the previous night. I was perfectly willing to loan him something, but the trouble was that we had two differing body types. He was broader in the shoulders than I was, however we were in luck. 

“Most of my shirts probably wouldn't fit you, but I haven't gotten these tailored yet, these should be all right.”

After rummaging for a while I had found a few items that I deemed acceptable for my companion to wear on our excursion. I held them out to him hoping that at least one of the options would work. 

Once we were situated we headed out, braving the cold that was an unbroken promise from the city itself. 

It was a short quiet walk, both of us too bundled up to carry on any sort of conversation. The streets were unusually empty, an expected phenomenon given the time of year. Most shops were shut for the holidays. However the place I led us into only ever closed on Labour day. 

When we entered the doorway I could practically read the confusion on his face as he took in our surroundings. 

“Is this a tattoo Parlour?”

“Yeah, I have an appointment!”

I couldn't tell what he was thinking as we were ushered further into the shop, his expression placed somewhere between shock and amusement. 

It didn't take very long for me to be seated in the chair with the artist on my left side and Adam to my right. It was at that very moment that I began to fully realize the situation I was in. Throughout the process of getting to that point it had been so surreal, I hadn't given much thought until I tried to piece together what might be going through Adams head at seeing the scene before him. 

I was admittedly nervous jumping into what at that point for me was uncharted territory. There seemed to be no clarity in my brain, everything was moving so fast, the artist was already preparing my skin for the tattoo, and I couldn't change the events as they unfolded. 

For a moment I forgot the reason I was there to begin with, I almost thought to back out. Before I could act on impulse and pure fear I found myself staring mesmerised at the sketched out image of the bird I was about to get permanently inked on my body, and my own words from a place I’d never return rang in my ears. I had made a promise, more to myself than anyone else, that these events would take place, and I was keen on keeping that promise. 

So when the artist asked if I was ready, tattoo gun in hand, I told him that I was. 

Adam watched on, slightly out of place with his wide eyes and awkward smile. There was still that hint of amusement in his eyes, and the pure sincerity in that allowed me a moment of peace before I felt the pain. 

At first it was merely discomfort, slightly annoying but nowhere as close to as painful as I was expecting. Then it shifted to something closer to having all the bones in my body rattle simultaneously. 

My eyes had been closed, so I didn't realize that Adams hand was resting on the fabric on the seat until my own hand migrated upwards and in my attempt to grip the seat my pinkie latched onto his. 

His hand jolted slightly upwards, presumably in surprise, but otherwise didn't move. I didn't open my eyes, both due to the growing ache in my side and embarrassment. I wasn't sure what I would see on Adams face if I looked at him, but I was entirely content with ignorance. 

The pain increased until it felt like my entire body was being vibrated and the skin that came in contact with the needle was on fire. The artist reassured me, undoubtedly recognizing my distress, that it would be over soon. He was lying, I knew it, the process was far from over, it had only just begun

Careful to not move my torso I turned my head slightly towards Adam directing my request at him, “Distract me, please.” 

Lucky for me there was much we haven't discussed yet, and Adam jumped straight into a conversation with me.

“Y’know those lyrics you sent me, the first ones?”

“Mhmm” I hummed and nodded in response, not enough strength in me to speak any more than necessary.

“Well, i thought they were kind of brilliant, and I wrote a little guitar accompaniment for it. It’s not entirely where I’d like it to be yet, but it's getting somewhere!”

I managed to open my eyes and keep them steadily trained on him, attempting to gauge the sincerity behind his words. The piece had been inked in the confines of my dark bedroom the morning I had returned to my residence after our first meeting. I had hated the lines that had been written in my sleep deprived state, but they were authentic and I saw the slightest glimmer of potential in them, so I had sent them to Adam without much thought.

“Seriously?” I scrutinized, highly skeptical of his words.

“A hundred percent, its a good song, once it’s fine tuned and we get vocals on it I think it could turn unto something you will be proud of!” 

The statement bounced around in my mind for a moment, I needed time to fully comprehend what it meant. There were so many conflicting thoughts raging around, so much I was unsure of, but also many possibilities that I was far past geared-up for. 

The poetry-esque lines that I had sent him spoke of a life lived to its fullest and farewells uttered in the morning light. It was a story that resonated deep within me, and somehow in the moment that the words flew together it had provided me with a miniscule yet notable amount of hope and peace. 

We spoke with ease, continuing to be pulled into the depths of this possibility that we had found. It became obvious that he shared my excitement in delving into this project. I learned that he was already quite skilled in the realm of creating sound, he knew how to play both electric and acoustic guitar, and was learning piano. 

“Ever since I discovered my appreciation for music I've had the desire to learn how to make it, to understand how each piece of it works together to create something new!”

The small glimpses I was allowed into his mind were like taking little peaks into some unknown world. Fascinating and unfamiliar, growing more enticing with every second. 

There was a brilliant energy that lit up His features when he spoke about music, something so warm and welcoming, I could have listened to him speak on this topic for hours. This shared passion we had was something I’d never had before, just having the knowledge that it existed was invigorating beyond anything I’d ever previously experienced. 

It was easier from that point forward, to focus on the excitement in Adams voice, and the power in the feeling of knowing that this man might be helping me make my wildest dreams come true. 

We spoke and I forgot where I was until it was over and reality returned to me. 

The first thing that I noticed upon first sight of the completed piece on my side was that the colour was a lighter shade of blue than I had initially imagined it would be. The second thing was that it also covered a larger expanse of my abdomen than i had expected. 

In that moment I wasn't sure how to react, I had spent so much time planning this and imagining it that I'd never thought about what it would feel like once it was over

I didn't get much of a chance to look at the image before the man was bandaging it up and handing me a tube of some cream to aid the healing process. 

Paying the man for his service I found myself rushing to leave the shop. Suddenly it was too bright, the chrome surfaces too reflective. It was dizzying, and the slightly cramped space became even smaller. For a moment I felt lost in a way that I had never wanted to relive.

I pulled Adam outside, knowing that the cold biting wind would relieve the emotions that were building up beneath my chest and making it difficult to breathe. The harsh climate and stark white that had settled uninterrupted on the city streets calmed my nerves just enough to allow me to find my way home. 

It was obvious that he had questions to ask, going by the way he was looking at me. I wasn't sure how I would answer them, or even if I could, but I didn't want him to feel as if he had been left in the dark. The steady stream of snow had momentarily ceased, making it possible to talk on the walk back. 

“So, you've got questions!”

“Yeah, if you don't mind me asking.”

“Ask away”

“Whyd you get a bird?”

“It reminds me of someone!”

“Ok, why’d you get it in that position, it seemed pretty painful to get it there?”

“I got it there for exactly that reason!”

“What?” The confusion on his face deepened as he tried to understand my answer.

“It's supposed to be the most painful place to get a tattoo, and I wanted to see if I could handle it. Apparently I can.”

“You are one strange human, you know that!” The amusement from before was back on his face, coupled with something closer to interest and vague affection. 

By the time we had returned to my place I was stumbling over myself trying to hide the blush that I could feel rising in my cheeks. 

We made the trek up the stairs and into the safety of my apartment, and when I closed the door behind me I couldn't blame my laboured breath on the stairs. It was a familiar yet unwelcome feeling that passed over me when my surroundings began to take on an almost unreal quality and it seemed as though i was floating away from myself. 

I wanted control, I needed control, but I couldn't find it. Once again I was lost in a place where I should have been safe. I couldn't make sense of it, and maybe there was no sense to be made. I was drowning on dry land, and as much air as i took in it was never enough. 

All of a sudden Adam was in front of me his face in clear focus, he was saying something, his lips were moving, but I couldn't quite make it out, almost as if there was cotton in my ears. 

I had to breathe, I knew I had to breathe, but looking at Adam I thought I could only fall further in. The idea that he had already seen me in a weakened state was unbearable, and I wasn't willing for it to happen again. I moved past him into the bathroom, hoping that the escape from his watchful eyes would allow me a moment of clarity. 

My reflection stared back at me as I attempted to free myself from the weight that seemed to have settled on my chest. The judgement from my own eyes that watched on from the surface of the mirror goaded me into a place of anger that could have pushed me further down, but instead reminded me of the weakness being shown.

It took longer than I had hoped it would to calm down enough to be presentable again. In the moment it felt as though I would never be able to feel anything but the emotions in the forefront of my mind, but eventually I was able to move past them for the moment. 

When I finally exited the small room I found that Adam was waiting for me on the couch, and that he had picked up one of the few books littering the apartment. He looked up at me when I entered the room, a quizzical look in his eye. When he opened his mouth to speak I feared for a moment that he would mention the events that he had just witnessed.

“Silence of the lambs huh, that's some pretty heavy reading.” 

“Its an old favourite of mine!”

“Ah”

Turning on the television set that faced the couch I sat with him for as long as I could bear. Between the questioning glances he shot me every so often and the lack of a sufficient distraction, I quickly grew restless. I needed something more, there was an emotion I couldn't name hovering around me, gnawing beneath my chest. 

I had to move, had to do something that didn't make me feel as if I was floating away from my body. 

When I grabbed the leftover bottle of gin from the kitchen counter I didn't bother with a glass. Adam simply raised his eyebrows before accepting it when I handed it to him. 

The reminder of the day was spent in a similar fashion. I drank until I couldn't think any longer, which didn't take very long. Adam didn't just sit back and watch, rather he joined in, drinking with me for no particular reason or purpose. 

It was easy to let the world fall away while we got too drunk to remember our own names. The minutes passed in a blur, and eventually those minutes became hours. 

I wasn't at all surprised when that night i ended up once more in Adams arms. The alcohol burning in my veins made it easy to ignore the pesky thoughts that reminded me that I shouldn't have felt so comfortable in this man's embrace. 

That night my sleep was deep and void of any sort of semblance of dreams, and In waking I found that for the moment the world around me seemed a little less far away. 

Four days passed in this way, the days were spent in deep concentration as we delved into the mechanics of the music together, and During the nights he didn't question when I pulled him close. 

Simplicity found me while he was there, no judgement or harsh words were shared between us. It seemed that maybe just for the moment there was a person that understood without need of explanation or questions. 

During the days that we spent with only each other for company I felt almost as if I had been freed from a life I hadn't known was haunting me.

It was on the eve of the day of his imminent departure when my troubles reared its ugly head. 

I had fallen into slumber with ease, the events of the week having worn me down. Adam had already filled his position next to me, and as I made my way deeper into sleep I could feel him watching, waiting for the beast we both knew would come. 

When I awoke in the night he was right there, ready to provide as much comfort as he possibly could. 

I was surprised at myself when it wasn't enough, and the caution on his face was blatant as I pulled him closer, and closer still when that did not suffice. 

He brushed away my tears with soft fingertips followed by even softer kisses. He moved down the length of my body agonizingly slow,caressing every inch of my skin as it was revealed. Impatience set in and I urged him on, needing more, but he never quickened his pace. He barely rested above me as he undressed me, concern shrouded by lust still showing in his eyes. It was unbearably gentle, more so than I deserved or wished it to be. His breath ghosted over every pulse point where he knew I was weak to his ministrations

For a little while all that I knew was Adam. His soft voice, his tender touch, the weight of his body atop mine. It was enough for me to lose myself to it for the moment. 

I was half out of my mind when it finally reached where I wanted it to be. He was under my skin, still holding me somehow more and more gently with each undeserved forgiving touch. 

I allowed it though, I let each word of praise he whispered into my ear wash over me. I allowed myself, for just a moment, to be deluded into believing that the words were true. 

Once more wetness filled my eyes, and I didnt want him to see. Tucking my face into the crook of his neck, I rode out the wave of emotion that seemed determined to destroy me from the inside out. I felt weaker than I had ever been in his presence, and I was aware of shame restring beneath the desire burning within me. 

I felt wrong to allow him to think that I was as strong and wonderful as he thought. Simultaneously it felt to right to be handled by him in such a way, to be placed under his gentle touch and protective gaze. 

I had wanted him closer and closer still, and that's what I got. That night I fell asleep in arms I was already acquainted to, with steacy blue eyes assuring me. When I woke to memories I ran from I found his eyes and arms once again, and they lulled me back into a place of serenity. I hadn't wanted to let go, to be in this place forever was my unspoken wish, but morning came and i was left alone wondering if we would ever meet again.


	4. Stranger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adams perspective  
> ~if I didn’t make it up it wouldn’t happen  
> But my imaginations not that wild~

Had it not been for the consistent stop and go motion of the bus as it rumbled through it’s route I likely would have forgotten where I was.   
  
I felt disoriented in a way I was entirely unfamiliar with up to that point. I couldn’t quite pinpoint the cause for my distress but the majority of the signs pointed to something I wasn’t prepared to identify.   
  
There was a turmoil within me, moving beneath my skin, and I couldn’t seem to rid myself of it. It followed me as I left Theo’s apartment and it stuck like gum on the back of a shoe as I rode out the journey back to where I had come from.   
  
The long journey and the familiar setting should have been soothing for my nerves that felt as if they had been rubbed raw. It should have allowed me peace of mind. It seemed to be having the opposite effect, as I moved further and further away from Theo my anxieties seemed to dig deeper    
  


Parting ways with Theo felt like what I imagined waking from some kind of a drug haze must have felt.   
  
   Waking up next to him carried with it a certain sense of amazement that through six consecutive days never lost its charm. Spending entire days uninterrupted with the steady flow of creativity and freedom was like living in a fantasy through which my worries and responsibilities disappeared momentarily.   
  
Retreating back into the shell that had become my life was gruelling and comparable to a chore.   
  
As I returned to the room that I called home I discovered a feeling of displacement that I couldn’t quite name. It followed as I went through the motions of falling back into routines and winding down from the events of the day.   
  
I hardly registered the movement of people around me as I used the dorms communal shower room. My mind was elsewhere, and the hot water pouring down my body went unnoticed.   
  
I was exhausted, but every nerve, every cell in my body was on fire. I was all too ready to sink into slumber but my mind wouldn’t have it.   
  
So I wrote, I composed and played until the sun went down and there was nothing left within me.   
  
I fell into it easily, the soft rhythm of creating music with no boundaries. I lost myself to it as the guitar became merely an extension of my body and my consciousness travelled endlessly.   
  
I can’t be sure how it happened, the moments blurred together incomprehensibly. Somehow though I wound up in my own bed for the first time in a week. I felt like a stranger in a world that I had cultivated myself.   
  
There was an odd loneliness creeping up on me. I became aware of it in the quietest moments of the night. It was settling in comfortably and I knew somehow that it wouldn’t leave without resistance.

 

I pondered for some moments on the events of the previous days. For reasons I didn't dare consider leaving theo had been undesirable to me. There had been something within me begging to return to him.

 

The emotions flooding me were unknown and nonsensical. Id never experienced a thing such as this before, not even with theo.  The feelings that I witnessed having to be away from Theo for the second time were a near exact contrast to those of the first. 

 

That first night as he had walked away from me there had been something resembling anticipation coursing through me. The experiences that I had that night were nearly too much for me, and I couldn't wait to be rid of them. 

 

The second time we parted ways however had filled me with a resistance that rippled through my body almost viscerally at the thought of having to leave him. 

 

Somehow I had grown accustomed to staying with him, and I knew in that moment while I attempted to sleep, that falling back into old rhythms would become difficult knowing what I was missing. 

 

After spending almost an entire week in the presence of someone with such an amazing yet infuriating energy I found it difficult to return to the life I used to be living. I had always been an extremely creative person, but being with theo had unleashed that side of me to the extent that I felt as if I might lose my mind being unable to write and compose at any given moment. 

 

Theo hadn’t found it strange or odd when I suddenly would have an idea that I couldn't explain until I had formed it, or became quiet and contemplative for unprecedented amounts of time. He appreciated and respected my writing process, even if he didn't quite understand it. He seemed to be endlessly patient with me, even when I didn't know how to return that favor. 

 

Finding sleep was difficult, it was just out of my reach and I was left in the dark as to how to find it. Slumber came, eventually, it was a long agonizing wait, but it came. Slowly the confines of dreams and escape enveloped me, gently rocking me into oblivion.

I found myself somehow in a field with nothing but the sight of dead grass on the horizon. Directly in front of me stood a tree that seemed to be dying along with everything else in the field. When I couldn't move my feet I looked down to discover that they were tied down with the roots from the tree, growing up and out, holding me in place. 

 

I couldn't move, could only observe as the events of the world passed me by, nothing but a bystander, ineffectual.

 

There was a bird, hopping about in front of me. I wanted to ask it how it was moving, how it got free, but my lips seemed to be just as stuck as my feet. 

 

The bird jumped around for what may as well have been hours, the sun never strayed  from its point high above us. I watched and waited for what I somehow knew was coming. 

 

Years passed while we waited, the bird and I, for something to either save or destroy us. My life went on, and I missed it because I was stuck, or maybe because I wanted a different life. I couldn't tell. 

 

As time flew I found a speck in the sky that hadn't been there before. Merely the hint of a shadow, barely visible on the bright horizon. It was there nonetheless, and I immediately knew it was what we were waiting for. 

 

It was slow going, but I didn't mind the wait. I knew that no matter how long it took, we would be saved, and all would be ok. 

 

I waited mesmerized, and it seemed that my eyes had become stuck just as the rest of my body. I couldn't look away from this apparition on the horizon, couldn't even blink. It was for the better though, there was something in the deep recesses of my mind telling me that if I looked away even for just a second, i would miss it. I had to be patient, or else everything would fly away and leave me, all on my own once again. I couldn't have that, i didn't want to be alone, not anymore. So i was patient, and I waited as long as I had to. It could have been anything, but I was sure that I would be ready for it when it finally came. 

 

There was no way to know how long it took, but i'm sure it was years before the tiny speck in the sky began to take on a form. The closer it got the more I realized that the dark spot that had started to become an image of hope in my eyes was distinctly human shaped. 

 

When in finally landed I knew that it was a man. I couldn't see his face, somehow there was a beam of light shining directly on it. 

 

What happened next I couldn't have predicted. This man standing in front of me held out both his hands, palms facing the sky, and immediately as he did so I became free of my invisible shackles. 

 

It seemed that my bird companion was free as well because he flew directly into the open hands of the stranger. 

 

Then man and bird seemed to become one, the bird joining with the man and it was a beautiful sight as the bird appeared to melt into the man's flesh. Wings began to sprout from the man's back. They were two beautiful blue feathery things akin to what I imagine an angels wings would look erupting from behind him. 

 

Mesmerized, I didn't dare blink for fear that I would lose the scene unfolding before me. 

 

The man reached out his hands once more placing a touch so soft it might have been a whisper to my face. Before I could protest the action he beat his powerful wings, once, twice, and flew away, presumably back to where he came from. 

 

I tried to watch, but it seemed that I was falling, melting into the ground beneath me. As I became one with the grass the tree followed suit, all remaining life now drained. 

 

The last image i saw before waking was that of the blinding sun and sky that somehow shifted from light pink hues to a dusty blue. 

 

I reached out once, hoping the man would've came back and save me, take me as part of him, but I knew, somehow that the action was pointless. 

 

\----------------------------

 

I awoke to a semi-familiar situation involving my roommate stumbling around, the heavy stench of hard liquor, a loud thud that resembled a shin hitting a bed, and some extremely creative and loud cursing. It was an impressively catastrophic scenario that in my mind at the moment seemed to be quite comical. 

 

My mind was muddled from sleep, and in the early morning light I found that all memory from my dreams that night dissipated into nothing more than a ghost laid to rest, forgotten. 

 

With that rude yet forgivable awakening my day began, and I knew exactly what I would find. 

 

It was an ordinary day in my life, and I resented it. The only reason I put up with it at that point was due to the simple fact that I was accountable for more than just my own life. 

 

I had no one to answer to, no authority figure to seek permission or acceptance from. In its entirety, I had full freedom. Yet still I felt the inexplicable, and strange desire to act as a steady responsible figure, even if there was nobody watching. 

 

So I went about my day, as I knew I should, and it was just about as inviting as I expected it to be. 

 

After spending much of the day being unable to concentrate and getting distracted I decided that that strangest phenomenon in my life since meeting Theo, was perhaps the amount and ease with which I laughed. It didn’t quite seem right that only after meeting him did I value the ability to feel such lightness within my soul. 

 

Another night came and passed, this one spent a little less alone than the last. 

 

Many of my friends returned to campus from various trips and in the excitement of reconciliation and the potential for an excuse for celebration in our minds it seemed like a brilliant idea to go out and get drunk. 

 

Of course it made sense to us, and of course we ended up at the same exact bar we always did. 

 

I almost hated seeing the interior of the place at that point, I had spent so much time within those walls miserable, simply because the idea of a job that isn't dairy related had been extremely appealing to me at the time when I had applied. 

 

Somehow though, as we headed to the bar, eight of us crammed into a minivan that only had five seatbelts and shouldn't have passed its emissions test, I was curious. The last time I had entered the place as a customer had brought me an encounter that had shaken me to my core. I was almost hopeful that something of that sort might happen again, almost. 

 

This time around it was my turn as designated driver, and I made no attempt to change that. For some reason I couldn't explain I wanted to have a clear head that night. 

 

We made it to the place in one piece, and I would have been surprised at the turn of events considering the steadily growing statistics that didn't happen to be in our favor, if it weren't for the ever present distractions. 

 

I so wanted to avoid the thought that the only intention I carried with me as i entered the brick and mortar prison was to seek him out. Shying away from the disappointment I discovered when I looked into the crowd and didn't spot that bright blue jacket, I did my best to find enjoyment elsewhere in the night. 

 

I knew my chances. I knew that I might never actually see him again, yet foolishly I still sought out his presence. I had been throwing probablity out the window from the first time we met. There was nothing in our relationship that promised sense, yet i was still grasping for it every time. Maybe that would be my fatal flaw. 

 

Despite the emotions running through me too fast for registration, I allowed myself to have fun. 

 

They drank, and I watched them make fools of themselves, running around forgetting that they were in a public space. Over the course of the night I had built up an array of stories that I knew i would get to hold over their heads in the morning. I was quite looking forward to being the only one without a hangover. 

 

By the time our night was winding down it was already five in the morning and there were only two of us still managing consciousness. 

 

We had ended up, just the two of us, on a couch that probably hadn't been cleaned in decades, in the dimly lit common room. Somehow we had ushered the rest of our group into their respective rooms 

 

I think I may have been a little afraid to go to sleep, unsure of where it would take me. So I stayed as far away from it as I dared. 

 

My friend was curled up close beside me, huddling up for warmth. I elected to keep her company knowing that she too dealt with troubles falling asleep. Admittedly it was nice having the company. 

 

With her inhibitions lowered she asked me questions I couldn’t have been more unprepared for. 

 

“You were acting really odd tonight. Like you were waiting for something. What was up with that?” 

 

“It’s kinda stupid. I was hoping I’d see Theo again, but that doesn’t make any sense.”

 

“Theo?”

 

“Yeah Theo. You know, the guy I’ve been talking to. The one I met at the bar a while back”

 

“Oh my god, that guy!  You kept in touch with him, that must be some earth shattering sex then!”

 

It was humorous to me then for some reason with the combination of her words and the incredulous look she shot me. 

 

At some point we were both in hysterics, and making attempts to quiet our rambunctious laughter only increased the level of hilarity. 

 

The notion that the only motivation I could have had to continue seeing theo was the quality of the sex seemed absurd to me and I felt the need to defend my relationship with him.

 

“It's not just sex, its barely sex really!”

 

“What is it then?”

 

Her query caught me by surprise, I had not yet questioned those details of our relationship. 

 

“I don’t know.” The response I provided was painfully true, and I had been tempted to answer differently. 

 

“Tell me about him.” once again her words shook me, But I understood the purpose behind her request. 

 

So for the first time I allowed myself to ramble on the topic of the man that had taken over a vast space of my consciousness. 

 

` I don't know how much time passed while I described the details of theo that shouldn't have mattered. 

 

I almost feared that I wouldn't be able to find the words to describe the experience of being with theo. I learned then and I would never forget that the problem was not a lack of words, rather that there were too many. There would always be too many words floating around, the difficulty was finding the right ones. 

 

Anger approached me, lent its ugly head, when I discovered that my friend had fallen asleep whilst I had been speaking. 

 

My first thoughts in response were of damnation, and I thought I might go mad at the notion that my stories of theo were not exciting enough. 

 

It took far too long for me to come to sense, and understand that to anyone else theo was just an ordinary man. 

 

I resented the idea with every fibre of my being but I had to accept that it was true. I thought for the barest moment that I must have been going crazy, or maybe I was already there. I couldn't explain my harsh anger, and it was a reality that I didn't wish to explore. 

 

That morning I spent hours staring up at a ceiling whose shadows and empty spaces sneered down at me, almost as if they knew my troubles. 

 

I sat for a long time then, squinting at scribbles on paper through the watery yellow light of an old lamp that I couldn't afford to replace. 

I didn't bother to keep track of how many sheets I wasted, wishing that my brain and body would connect. 

 

It was ages before the words came, and even more to fill a page. I almost expected to feel a sense of relief, after having it complete.

 

I wasn’t any less frustrated when it was over and I was at a loss for what to do. 

 

There was a possibility, making itself known from the far reaches of my mind. I hated it, felt weakened by the idea that this was where I might turn to for relief. 

 

Exhaustion took precedence and I allowed the invitation of a steady sleep take over. I hoped that maybe this time it would be all right. Foolish that was. 

 

It was so easy for me then, as unconsciousness steadily encroached, to imagine him beside me, to pretend that he could protect me in a harsh moment. So easy to believe that I was holding him close and all was well. 

 

Easy. 

  
  


—————-

 

I managed to go a week before I emailed him again. I think I might have been challenging myself, trying to prove to no one that I didn’t need him. 

 

Alas, I lost, gave in to the temptation of heartfelt desire. I felt weakened by this, proven to be a fraud, revealed to be a lie. 

 

I found my way back to him despite this, because I knew that for the time being, the only way I would find any sort of semblance of peace would be through having him close once more. 

 

So I emailed him after a week apart and on a rainy Sunday morning he stood outside my building waiting to be let in. 

 

It could have been any other day, walking down the dreary halls, but it wasnt, it was so much more than anything I had ever known. The anticipation, the pure childish excitement costing through me was bordering on the side of danger. 

 

I couldn’t care, as i came closer to the possibility of being with him all other thoughts melted away. 

 

I didn't know, but I took a chance, and a small patch of my soul felt healed when I was greeted by Theos wide smile. 

 

I welcomed him in and showed him around, his eyes wide with a beautiful sort of wonder. 

 

I’d have been hesitant to admit that a part of me felt relieved upon seeing him again, feeling that same rush I’d only ever known in his presence. 

 

I showed him the dormitories and he paid attention with an odd sort of fascination.  It was amazing to feel his energy light up a room once again. I wasn’t aware of the simple fact that I’d missed him until that very moment. 

 

Entering my room was a gamble, I hadn’t checked to see if my roommate would be there, and I didn’t know what would happen if he was. 

 

There were a million and one questions tumbling around the surface of my mind, and I couldn’t keep track of a single one of them. 

 

We finally reached my room, and as soon as we crossed it’s threshold the scene that unfolded before me silenced my mind. 

 

My roommate was in fact there, and when the door opened he seemed almost bored in realizing I had a visitor. 

 

Theo surprised me as he never seemed to cease doing. He walked right up to my roommate and offered his hand introducing himself. 

 

By the look of shock on my roomates face I assumed that he was just as stunned as I was. 

 

He seemed to size up the situation in front of him, gaze crossing between me and theo and a look of understanding crossed his features. 

 

He rose from the bed, clearly about to leave. 

 

“I can give you guys the room, if you want.” He offered, clearly gravely misreading the scenario. 

 

I was quick in response to this, hoping I could both derail the conversation and distract from the possible implications that might be drawn from it. 

 

Insisting we not be a bother, I attempted to read the expression playing across theos face. I had known by then that he wasn't necessarily any good at schooling his expressions and I was relieved beyond sense when it appeared that he hasn't registered the intended meaning.

 

Strange that I feared words and what they may carry. Strange that theo seemed to be an entirely separate entity within my life, almost a secret I harbored. He knew nothing of me in that place, had been witness to nothing within those walls. 

 

We were alone then, somehow, and maybe for the first time there was a discomfort in that. I felt out of place, a deer in headlights.

 

Suddenly neither of us belonged in the space, and in my heavy mind I thought there could be something maddeningly beautiful in that. 

 

I found peace for a few moments there, creating something I couldn't yet understand, with a man that had led me to a place I never thought i'd be. 

 

Finally I was given the opportunity to hear him sing, it was an oddly soothing experience. SImple vocals, just like the rest of him, delicately reaching pitches. 

 

I could have gotten lost in it, I knew that then, but I didn't. Claiming hold of whatever sanity I had left. 

 

I felt a little desperate in my need for him, holding my breath while watching him, not wanting to disrupt the beauty before me. 

 

Later we explored the campus further , I showed him through my favourite library and somehow he seemed interested. I didn't expect him to care, but he did. I was lost.

 

I found out then that theo was a complete nerd, as we walked the library halls he pointed out each book he’d read, enthusiastic about his favourites, telling me in hushed exclamations which ones he thought i’d enjoy. I learned that he had studied sound engineering and acoustics in school, a direct contrast to me taking an undeclared bachelor, or as other people referred to it a waste of time and money. 

 

He was brilliant, broke those barriers between us that left me grasping at straws. 

 

I think we may have been exploring one another, sussing out strengths and weaknesses. He paid attention when I spoke responsive and energised. 

 

He seemed to be amused more so than surprised when we were back in my room, him investigating my side of the shared space, when he discovered the underside of my bed. 

 

I had purposefully draped my blankets over the bed, attempting to hide the mess that had been stored beneath. 

 

He kept uncovering various aspects of my life, learning, piecing it together, not knowing what the end result would reveal. 

 

I felt jarringly exposed, allowing him to see parts of me that I hadn’t even known were there. It was easy though, with his eyes gently boring holes into my life, I almost didn’t mind the scrutiny. Gladly gave into being studied like a novel. 

 

He slept in my bed that night, that was yet another new experience for me. He was infiltrating everything. 

 

I hadn’t been sure how he might react when I invited him to stay. It made sense, by the time we had even realised that he had to go home it was far too late to try to catch a bus. He didn’t scoff or seem uncomfortable when I brought up the suggestion to stay. 

 

“I sleep better with you, I don’t know why, but I sleep better when you’re with me!” 

 

I immediately knew i felt the same, but I was shaken by the statement nonetheless. 

 

He had been facing away from me when he spoke those words, I had nothing to say in response, so I just pulled him closer acknowledging him. 

 

I almost slept through my alarm, almost decided to forgo classes. Theo woke me, urged me to keep up with my schooling before turning back over and falling asleep once more. 

 

I left him there, under the covers, and made my way. 

 

I worried hopelessly, throughout the duration of my morning class. I knew he could take care of himself but I worried despite my better judgement. 

 

I rushed back, as soon as opportunity arose, and I hoped selfishly that he would still be there. 

 

I was entirely prepared to face an empty room, and yet when I opend the door to find Theos absence a feeling of disappointment fell over me. 

 

He had made the bed while I was away, blankets folded and placed just how I liked it. 

 

There was an unexpected rush of pride within me at witnessing the aftermath of that simple act. 

 

I found myself smiling at nothing, staring down st the bed that to anybody else would have been little more than just a bed. 

There were two messages waiting for me, one from my brother, an email regarding car payments and promotions, another from Theo, a sticky note on my desk with a neatly penned message that I wouldn’t discover until later in the night. 

 

Things were changing. 

  
  
  
  


_ Theo _

 

_ Would it be indecent of me to say that I enjoy having you in my bed? Would you resent me for it? _

 

_ I’m realizing now that I don't like being away from you. Strange isn't it, im already used to your body heat next to mine, and waking up seeing your eyes. There isn't anybody else I can talk to as candid as I do with you. There's no one else that would understand my sudden bursts of creativity that render me socially unavailable for unprecedented lengths of time.  _

 

_ You're already special to me, and I dont even know how you wound up in my life. I trust you beyond sense, and I miss you with an odd sort of ache that serves as an ever present reminder that youre not around.  _

 

_ All of my friends have forgotten who you are. They teased me for a moment that first night, but they've long since left the memory of you in the past. As if you're transient, as if your existence isnt painted into every image.  _

 

_ Maybe for them its easy because they dont know how magnificent it is to hold you, to turn you inside out and have the satisfaction of being the hand that caused it. Theyve never known the feeling of holding you close through the night and waking next to you.  _

 

_ Strange isnt it, that you could do this to me, be unforgettable yet untouchable. I search for you in everything but I cant seem to find you even when youre in front of me. I have so many questions, piling up, never answered.  _

 

_ I want to know you, as much as I can. Is that wrong of me, to want all of you, in every way possible. Would it be wrong for me to admit that im already addicted to you and I cant see myself turning away.  _

  
  


_ Strange. Maybe im the strange one in this equation, maybe youre perfectly well balanced and im just a freak that has encroached on your life. Id like to say thats an impossibility,the notion that ive got this all twisted, but its entirely plausible.  _

 

_ I don’t know, maybe ill never know. Im ok with that, i think I might have to be.  _

 

_ -Anders _

  
  



	5. Magazine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Theo's POV  
> ~Sorry if bohemian felony  
> is not for the girl I see~

There were so many warning bells going off in my head, sanity pushing through the cloud of hopeless wonder. The reasons for me to not go ahead with the decision were numerous. 

 

It could have all come crashing down. The whole thing could have been a failure. I didn't care, it didn't matter to me. 

 

Somehow I ended up attempting to explain the specifics of our relationship to Rose while she drove me to pick him up.

 

She already thought I was crazy, there had been no need to try to save myself from that with her. 

 

I was doing my best to explain how we had made it to this point, wherein we were on our way to pick up adam and all his possessions. 

 

“Neither of us have anything in the way anymore. I didn't to begin with, but now his brother has picked up their car payments, and his dad's house is paid off. He's got nothing holding him back now, and I think he'd much rather be making music even if there's no guarantee in it. He's one of those people that works better hands on than in theory. You know?”

 

She looked away from the road for maybe a second too long before replying, still with that same smile on her face. The smile she gave me when she saw me more as a little brother that needed protecting than a friend.

 

“You're a bloody idiot you are aware of that right?”

 

“Always”

 

She seemed to think for a moment, mulling over the conversation before she came to a realization.

 

“Wait, if he has a car, than why are we picking him up.”

 

“He doesn't, he bought it for his brother a few years ago but he took it with him when he moved out for school. He lives in Watford now I believe.”

 

I wasn't too clear on the details of the car, all I knew was from the slightly obscure email he had sent me the night he had found out. Then from the conversation we had a week later when we were drunk on the floor of his dorms common room. My memory of that night was hazy at best. 

 

He had explained to me, enthusiasm rising in his voice, that his brother had got a promotion, doing some humanitarian work closer to central london. It was easy to see that he was proud of him, boasting about how brilliant he was. 

 

“He skipped two years, you know. Not everyone has brains like that. And you know what he chose to do with it, save kids. I don't know anything more noble than that!”

 

He had spilled his beer on the carpet then, after waving it around emphasizing each point. I was staring at him, didn't even try to stop myself, the alcohol in my blood making it difficult to feel embarrassed. 

We had kissed a lot that night. Nothing heavy, just sloppy exchanges in the dimly lit room. Anyone could have seen us, but I couldn’t seem to find the ability within myself to care. He was happy, and that gave me a courage I hadn't known before. 

 

I had almost fallen asleep there on the dirty carpeted floor, face hidden in his chest.It was uncomfortable but drunk and tired as I was it didn't register enough to be a bother.

 

“We could go back to my room, if you want to sleep.”

 

His roommate had long since left the room, I knew that. I thought he might have been catching on to our relationship, or maybe it had never been a secret. Everytime I showed up he offered us the room. We never did anything but sleep and work when we were in there, but he must have assumed differently. 

 

We waited for him to let us in, not more than ten minutes outside the residence building. She still couldn't wrap her head around the situation. 

 

“You've barely known each other a couple of months,and you met him at a bar for christ’s sake, how can you possible be moving in together?”

 

“It just makes sense this way, we can collaborate easier. We live on opposite sides of manchester, it would never work out if it stayed that way!”

 

“But how do you know you can trust him?”

 

“I have a good feeling about him.”

 

“That’s what you’re basing this trust off of, a feeling?”

 

“I feel safe with him!”

 

She knew what that meant, it was an argument she couldn’t refute. 

 

His place in my life didn't make sense, from the outside it seemed that he didn't belong, the pieces didn’t fit together. 

 

That in and of itself was normal for me . Most of the people in my circle were like that, I was used to it. 

 

Rose was probably the biggest anomaly. 

 

We had nothing in common, nothing connecting us. Yet I saw something of myself in her, remnants of an old life that I wasn’t able to get back. 

 

Sometimes when she would be sitting across from me in my apartment, it felt like catching a miniscule glimpse of the past. She was my ticket into a world that no longer existed. 

I’d called her Jackie by accident more than once. When she would be sitting at my desk with a line of cocaine in front of her. After the third time she stopped correcting me.

 

She was brilliant and she knew it. I think maybe that’s why I gravitated towards her, the confidence she exuded so thoroughly. 

 

I knew nothing of her life, it was as if she hadn’t existed before we met. I didn’t mind, I never knew the specifics of her life, which meant I didn’t have to share mine. 

 

It was odd being in a confined space with both of them. Like seeing two opposing sides of my life interact. I wasn’t sure what to expect. 

 

I already knew how Rose felt about Adam, she’d expressed on numerous occasions that she thought my relationship with him was evidence of an impending quarter life crisis. 

 

How was I to show her that he was the rational one between the two of us. That he was the one that wanted to take our time, not push anything. 

 

How could I have explained to her that I was the insane one in this equation. 

 

We had spent weeks just discussing details. I’d resented it, impatient as I was, afraid that time might run out on us. 

 

He had been adamant to not be reliant on me in any way, to not impose himself. 

 

It was easier, later, when it was just me and him with no speculation from anyone but ourselves. We ate dinner in near silence, wading through the unfamiliar waters that we had just found ourselves in. 

 

We had become used to making music in his room, but we very quickly fell into that same dynamic in my place as we had there. 

 

He would sit on a chair in the corner of the room facing me, while I sat on the bed, knees pulled up against my chest. 

 

We went on like this for months, any spare moment we had spent in this way.

 

There were odd moments between us, snippets in time where we would find each other, find ourselves in this way, and the rest of the world drifted somewhere far from us. 

 

We were always just a couple of outsiders on the fringes of something we couldn't quite understand or reach. 

 

Timing was always off with us, he worked nights and I worked mornings and weekends. 

 

We were chasing the same dream but moving in different directions. 

 

I would find him, more often than not, collapsed on the couch, curled up around himself. He didn't want to wake me when he would get in at the early hours of the morning. I started leaving blankets out for him. 

 

It brought me hope, during those rare moments we would have with each other, and I would see that excitement bloom in his eyes. It made me believe that we stood a chance. 

 

It was a soft emotion, a potential road to happiness that I was willing to follow as long as he was with me. 

 

The writing consisted of a lot of planning at that ;stage, it was merely beginning of a journey whose road we couldn't yet entirely see.

 

Rose stuck around for a while that first day, helping out where she could. I think maybe she was trying to understand us, observe us. It was an odd sensation when I thought for a moment that she looked out of place. The living quarters was more her home than mine, considering just how comfortable she allowed herself to be, and yet somehow in that moment she didn't belong. None of us did. 

 

She hadn't been pleased when I pulled her aside and asked for her key back. I hadn’t wished to displace her, but logically Adam would need it. 

 

She kept her grumbles about it to herself. I knew she would be upset by it, but it had to happen. I eventually got a new key cut for her, more so because I missed her constant presence than to appease her

 

“You two have such a strange thing going on, I can't make sense of it. What are you two?’’

 

Her question was the same one I’d stopped asking myself a long time ago, right around the time I discovered just how comfortable I was whenever I found myself with him. 

 

“Honestly, I don't even know myself. We're not friends, we don't know each other well enough to be. I guess we're roommates now, but that's not really accurate either. I dunno. Maybe there isn't a word for it.”

 

“I'm gonna tell you one last time, you Theo Hutchcraft are insane!”

 

“You are too, we wouldn't be mates otherwise.”

 

“I hate you”

 

“Likewise.”

 

She was quiet after that day, careful. Shed come over just as often, but for the first few weeks she seemed weary. I didn't question it, and eventually things became a little more normal, just a little. 

 

There had been a few times where I’d come home, Adam asleep on the couch, despite my adamancies, and she’d be in the kitchen raiding the fridge. 

 

She was like that, no boundaries between us, everything a shared experience. 

 

I wondered during times like those, what they talked about, if they even ever spoke. If they did neither of them told me. 

 

I could imagine it, scenarios playing out in my head, Adam polite and soft spoken, juxtaposed entirely by her candid, sometimes even slightly crude words. In my version of events they got along, friendship sparked by mutual understanding. 

 

These were of course embellishments, mere fantasies driven by a desire for harmonious relationships. 

 

They could have been friends, I thought they might have been. They were both brilliant in my eyes, extremely creative wonderful people. Maybe had it not been for circumstance they could have been closer. Maybe.

 

I loved both of them at that point, as much as I could. 

 

I couldn't love either of them fully not yet, I think to love someone you have to be willing to allow them to see every part of who you are, and I was a fraud. Neither of them knew as much about me as they wanted to, and they settled for that. They both allowed me to continue pretending in this way. Never questioning it more than I was comfortable with. 

 

“There's very little chance of this actually leading to success, statistically I mean, you know that right? This isn't going to be easy.”

 

Hed looked straight into my eyes, sussing out my reaction. Trying to unfold my thoughts. He was being serious, as he always seemed to be in these moments. 

 

There were certain intimacies between us, in the cramped space, us on either side of the room. We shared something during those periods of chaos and isolated peace. Everything we said in those moments was honest in ways I had never experienced. With anyone else it would have been jarring, with him though it was soothed by the constant comfort he created for me. 

 

“I know, but I think we can honestly do it, and maybe the struggle is what will make the success even more valuable.”

 

We’d gone straight back to work after that, barely missing a beat, not wasting time on scrutinizing the meaning of anything being said. 

 

On the few nights that Adam was not working I managed to convince him that it was ok to stay with me. That conversation was always easy to win. Sometimes we’d wake to find rose already there, and I would wonder what she thought of Adam missing from the couch. She never said anything, but I could tell she had questions. 

 

Days like those were the ones where I would make food for them, nothing fancy, just the basics. It made me happy nonetheless, to be able to give them something, show them I appreciated them. 

 

They were my family, I liked feeding them. 

 

Adam’s surprise at her behaviours seemed to be never ending. I think he might have felt a little overexposed when she would show up, unannounced or blatantly point out the worst of his habits. 

 

“Why do you do that?” She’d asked one evening when we had all been together. 

 

“Do what?” He was incredulous, unaware of the slight action that had caused the scrutiny. 

 

They would do this sometimes,at the beginning. Argue, push each other’s buttons. He would always back off quick. 

 

Over time it became less about being a nuisance to one another and more so a show of camaraderie. 

 

She still watched him, trying to wade through the layers of humour and carefully placed sarcasm. She was searching for something in him. A weakness or chink in the armour maybe. She was always looking. 

 

She’d never seen me with somebody in this way before. She was in an unfamiliar land. 

 

The nightmares began to flare up again, when Adam was working one night and I had fallen asleep alone. I’d woken to him beside me, trying to comfort me.

 

In those moments he had a tendency to allow me however much of him I’d ask for, whatever he thought might help. I’d pressed myself in close to his chest, gripping tight to the fabric there, listening to his madly fluttering heartbeat. 

 

When I was finally awake enough to calm myself I pulled away from him, just enough to see his face. I immediately felt something close to repulsion rise within me when I saw some stray tears. 

 

“Don’t do that, dont you dare do that. You're not allowed to cry for me, you're not allowed to feel pain because of me. I can’t handle that Adam. please.”

 

By the end of it my voice was hardly a coarse whisper. He was staring at me more confused than I’d ever seen him. Eventually he pulled me back into him, convinced me to try to sleep. I didn't wake again until morning. 

 

We found Rose sitting on the couch, reading one of the various books she seemed to always have with her. I had to wonder how long she had been there, how much of the events of that night she’d been witness to. 

 

I drank more coffee than usual that morning, but it seemed to never be enough to wake me up. 


	6. Midnight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adams POV  
> ~Don't leave me here  
> After midnight~

The first time we had ever played music live for an audience was quite possibly the most magical experience I’d ever had. I might have been a little biased though. 

 

There had been five of us, all as prepared as we thought we could be. It was all noise, chatter from the crowd as we waited for our time to begin. 

 

It was nerve wracking to think this could be the beginning of something wildly new. Or it could be the end of something that had barely begun. 

 

I think the realization of what we were embarking on truly began to set in at that point, reality staring us in the face. 

 

There was an excitement buzzing between us on the stage. A rush of nervous energy. 

 

I looked for theo, sought him out through the dim lights and the cloud of sweat and body spray hanging in the air. 

 

We made and held eye contact for about as long as we could. His face was alive with energy, more so than I had ever seen it. 

 

He had been amazing, enthusiastic, and consistent. I hadn't expected anything less. Those in the crown closest to the stage had been responsive to the music, lively and energized. 

 

We had only been allotted enough time for one song, and they didnt know us, nobody had heard of us yet, but they were a great crowd.

 

There had been a moment that night where I faltered. I’d been watching theo, captured by the way he moved confidently, radiating with energy. He had caught my eye, found me staring at him, he turned towards me then, not enough for anyone but him and I to understand. He sang almost an entire stanza to me, all the while holding my gaze. 

 

It had been ironic to me then, considering that the exact lines he was singing were ones that I had written for him. I had thought in that moment that he had been acknowledging that he understood the intended meaning behind those words. 

 

We never spoke about that moment, never explained what it might have meant. 

 

The minute we got off stage I found myself craving a drink, craving anything that would provide me with a sense of relief.

 

The rest of the time we spent in the pub had been filled with congratulatory embraces and celebratory drinks. 

 

I think we might have been trying to ride the high we had just achieved for as long as we possibly could. It was such an amazing experience, we hadn’t wanted to let go of it. 

 

Theo had pulled me aside at one point, pushed me up into the alcove outside the washroom. 

 

There had been a wild sort of energy in his eyes as he pressed up against me and kissed me breathless. 

 

He smiled at me, a maddeningly beautiful smile it was. 

 

“You were great up there” he whispered into my ear, just loud enough to be heard. 

 

“We were great!” I corrected him, emphasizing the we. 

 

“Let’s go home” The suggestion was enticing  beyond belief. And I wasn't about to deny him something. 

 

It took us ten minutes to find the rest of our group and formulate a departure plan. 

 

12:30 am was still considerably early to be leaving, understandably so the rest of the group wanted to stay and celebrate. 

 

In the end Theo and I had both been far too drunk to drive back, and I doubt either of us would have been willing to anyway. 

 

We walked back home, Theo slightly swaying and leaning on my ever once in a while. He spoke animatedly about the experience of being up in front of the crowd. He described it as being the most free he had ever felt. I immediately understood and agreed with this comparison. 

 

A group of men, about our age, passed by, walking in the opposite direction on the other side of the road. 

 

Unexpectedly Theo released his hold on my hand, which up until that point I had been hyper aware of. 

 

I understood the motive behind his actions, and I respected it entirely, I was disappointed nonetheless. Not that I was necessarily one to enjoy public displays of affection, but I despised the reminder of our compressed and limited freedoms when we were together, I despised the way that Theo tensed until the people were well out of sight. 

 

He mumbled an apology, not looking me in the eye. We walked the rest of the way in silence, a few minutes in he grabbed hold of my hand once more, still avoiding looking me in the eye. 

 

When we reached the apartment I merely followed him up the three flights of stairs, both of us quiet. 

 

He surprised me when the door shut behind us and he immediately pressed me up against it, breath hot against my face. I gave into him almost instantly, wanting anything he would allow me. 

 

He was none too gentle with me, just rough enough for it to be pleasurable. I was putty in his hands as they roamed my body, setting every inch of unexposed skin on fire. Before I could find the capability to to respond he dropped to his knees before me, the look in his eyes far from innocent as he began to work on attempting to undo my trousers

 

It was at that exact moment that we heard someone loudly clearing their throat. 

 

In the kitchen stood Rose, hovering over a bowl of cereal, eyes widened in surprise. Clearly she had seen everything that had just transpired between us. 

 

“I'm staying here tonight. I'll use my headphones, but don't make too much noise. Remember, we do have neighbours.”

 

She went right back to eating her cereal, leaving us, myself in particular, stunned.

 

It took me a moment to gather myself, and when I saw Theos amused expression looking up at me I couldn't stop the chuckle that escaped from my lips. 

 

Once we moved into the bedroom the energy became slower between us, each kiss more gentle and carefully placed. 

 

It was amazing, having him with me, so responsive and pliant. Pinned down to the mattress with only me to witness, it was a beautiful sight. 

 

I watched him, later, as he fell asleep in my arms. He had a tendency to curl his hand around mine which was resting over his chest. Whenever he had nightmares he would tighten his grip, face contorted in distress. 

 

Those were the markers I would look for. Whenever I could see him falling into the maze of dreamscapes and fear I would do my best to soothe him. It had not very taken long for me to learn that the best way to do this was through whispering encouragements in his ear and placing soft kisses along the back of his neck. I felt a slight sense of pride at knowing that I could provide him with that small comfort, ease his distress in some way. 

 

On this particular night it was more difficult than most to settle him. I felt an unease rising in the pit of my stomach, worry settling in. It wasn't until he was finally resting peacefully that I was able to tame the fears within me. 

 

I had found it difficult to fall asleep that night, even more so to stay asleep. I kept waking up, uneasy. I had felt exhausted after a day of anxieties and excitement., but my mind simply would not shut off. 

 

When I decided that it was far too early in the morning to try to sleep any longer I quietly made my way to the kitchen.

 

I found rose there, sitting at the table, book in hand. It was a different one from the lass one I had seen her reading.

 

What I sat myself down across from her, placing a notebook and pen in front of me, she barely looked up. 

 

We had an almost unspoken understanding between us. We both sat in silence for quite some time, neither of us wishing to further disrupt theos already interrupted sleep. 

 

I almost thought I'd imagined it when her soft voice broke the silence. 

 

“I’m afraid of being alone at night.” Her candid admittance took me by surprise, as both her and theo had a habit of doing. She reminded me of him, for just the flash of a moment there, and I began to understand why they were such close friends. 

 

I didn't know how to reply to her words. I couldn't seem to find the right words to respond. Luckily for me, she had more to say, and I didn't mind, I enjoyed listening. 

 

“That’s why I’m always here at night, if you were wondering.”

 

“Oh”

 

“You know, you’re the only person thats able to comfort him when he has nightmares. Even I’ve never been able to, but then again I’m generally not very good with people. I still don't really understand why Theo keeps me around, he feels bad for me, I suppose.”

 

She was quiet then, stoic, as if she had emptied herself by revealing those words. We both went back to our respective tasks, nothing left to say, and too much in the air hanging heavy between us to process. 

 

The words came quick that morning, as the sun began to filter in and I filled up the page in front of me. 

 

What I wrote was the closest thing to truth that I could grasp, and I clung tightly to what I knew and understood in the hopes that it would allow me some strength, some sense of reality. 

 

_ Theo,  _

 

_ You've given me something today, something I never thought I’d get to have. Maybe it was in the blue of your outrageous jacket, or the way you stood on the edge of that stage as if you might sprout wings and fly. Tonight I felt an energy and hope that I haven't seen the likes of since i was a young child.  _

 

_ You’re asleep one room away from me right now, and al I want to do is wake you, and thank you for everything you keep giving me. I want to tell you that I feel insane right now, but that the sanest thing I have ever done is loving you. I want to tell you that I love you right now and that maybe I loved you all along. but I wont say these things. Because I’m afraid that it will give you even more power over me, more so than you already have. I’m afraid you might find reason to hate me for it.  _

 

_ I have so much love within me to give. I’ve felt this way before. It was different though, I was different.  _

 

_ A few years back I dated this girl named Jennifer Mason. I was convinced that I was in love with her, and maybe I really was, I don’t know. She disappeared one day, just Completely out of the blue disappeared. Her and her family just packed up and moved and I had no clue until I was at her door and there were other people living there. I guess right now I’m a little bit afraid that I’ll scare you off, or that I already have and you're just waiting for opportunity to leave.  _

 

_ Please don't leave me.  _

 

_ I’m happy right now,that's all because of you Theo. I hope I make you happy too.  _

 

_ -Anders _


	7. Alleyways

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alleyways  
> Theos POV  
> ~My eyes are heavy,  
> My heart beats out of time~

I knew Adam was watching when he sat down next to me in front of the telly. I knew he was wondering why I was watching the news on silent, why I did the same thing every morning, why I opened the newspaper and only read the headlines. I knew he was wondering, and I was undeniably grateful that he never asked, because I knew that I had no answers to give. I didn't even really know what I was looking for when I did these things. Awaiting a tragedy perhaps, or searching for answers, a sense of understanding, freedom maybe?

I’d awoken to an empty room that morning, and when I entered the kitchen to find Adam and Rose I had thought that the scene before me looked like something out of an old photograph. It looked like nostalgia.

It was a strange day, hesitation resting beneath everything. 

Id watched as Adam folded the sheet of paper he had filled with writing. My eyes followed every movement when he pulled out the white shoebox from under the bed. His motions were fluid, easy, like it was an everyday task. I turned away when he opened the box, wanting him to have at least that little privacy. 

Curiosity had struck me from the moment I’d seen it the first time under the messy bed in his old room, and I had never forgotten it. Despite my desire to know the contents of it, I never asked, because I knew he would tell me if I did, even if he didn't want to. It would have felt unfair to ask.

Rose had been studying something I could barely understand. Between utterances of dreamscapes and decoding literature I decided not to inquire any further. She was lost to the throes of fiction, it was an event that couldn't be escaped once in motion. 

Our existences felt a little bit lost that day, between worlds. Like we could achieve anything but we had no idea what to try. 

Eventually Adam and I headed out, after much deliberation and restless antics. We decided to take advantage of the slightly less harsh than average weather conditions and make the most of the day. 

It came as a shock to me when Adam seemed uncharacteristically quiet. I had become so used to his lively energy that I had forgotten how shy and reserved he became in public. 

All of a sudden it was as if he had been pushed onto the sidelines, once again the observer. It was a shame that the rest of the world couldn't see the passion and excitement that I had previously been given the privilege to witness. 

I had pulled him along hoping that what I had to show him was at least slightly interesting. He let me talk endlessly and watched with that rapt sort of attention that took my breath away, the look that I saw in his eyes every time our gazes crossed. It was almost too much for me, it was filled with an affection that gave me both comfort and anguish conflicting within me. 

we walked into a shop that I’d never been inside before and I could tell almost immediately that the worker there was attracted to Adam. She had been flustered, blush reaching down to her exposed shoulders. The jealousy that flared up inside me was quickly chased by both shame and then pride. 

 

Adam had not paid any attention to the girl, he was polite simply out of courtesy. The whole time though his body had been almost entirely turned towards me, eyes completely focused on mine. 

I sympathized with the girl, I understood how intense it was to be under Adams gaze, to have those extraordinary eyes looking right at you. How easy it was to want his attention, to be seen by him. I felt bad because she had no idea how fantastic it was to be with him , to share intimate and vulnerable moments with him. 

I’d kissed him a lot after we left the store, I’d looked at his face once and was lost to gratitude for the beautiful flush faced man. It felt almost unfair how wonderful he looked with his ungelled hair a mess from the wind and his face tinged pink from the cold. 

As he’d looked up at me from the bundled layers I thought i might drown in all the things I didn't know how to say. It wasn't until later when we were in the safety of the confines of my bedroom that I found the words. 

He had been lying back, and I’d been watching as his eyes moved beneath their lids. When I’d lightly placed my fingertips on the skin above his cheekbones a smile bloomed from his lips, but he didn’t open his eyes. 

It was easier then without the striking blue trained on me to speak what had been on my mind all day. 

“Thank you.” 

The words felt strange as they left my mouth, they didn’t encompass at all what I wanted to say, but it seemed that there weren’t any words that could. They echoed around the room for a moment while I waited for some kind of a response from him. 

He locked eyes with me and I was afraid to look away, that if I did it would all disappear in front of me, the entire life we had been building. That it would fly away, lost to the wind. 

He spoke without words, the astonishment on his face and the movement of his hands was enough to tell me what neither of us knew how to say. 

His lips on my forehead, my cheeks, and hands was sweeter than any poetry. The fingers that worked their way over my body, barely even making contact was better than any declaration of love he could have spoke. I knew what he was trying to say, and I could only hope the same was true for him. 

His voice was somehow more gentle than his touch as he wished me a good night, and his eyes seemed stripped of protective barriers. I couldn't look away from them for a long time, trying to understand what I was seeing in them, fearful that I may never get to see him like that again. 

It seemed only natural for me to fall asleep clinging tightly to this man, fooling nobody but myself under the pretense of conserving warmth. 

I awoke once in the earliest hours of morning, when the deep blue light was just barely pushing into the room. I recognized Adams touch as he pressed one kiss into my hairline. I’d tried to pull him closer, not understanding the situation, simply craving more contact, but he moved away too soon. 

“I’m sorry”

His gentle but firm apology was all I heard before I began to fall back into a fretful sleep. I kept waking and realizing each time that there was nobody beside me. 

It wasn’t until the bright sun was filling the room that I found the sticky note signed with his name. It was an assurance, not to worry and that he would return soon. It didn’t make me any less afraid. 

He was gone for what felt like far too long, and when he finally returned I was already in bed foolishly thinking that I would be able to sleep. 

It was only through the dim moonlight that I could see his face, as it reflected off the pearls of moisture on it. I was confused for a moment before I understood the image before me. I’d never seen him so distraught. 

I hated it, didn't even understand why, but I hated seeing him upset. There was a surge of something within me that made no sense, but it flared every time I saw the look in his eyes. 

We didn’t speak for a while, He just let me hold him. I didn’t know what else I could do. 

He’d explained later, in the latest hours of the night when the only sound in the room was the slight pattering of rain outside.

“I’m Sorry, for leaving without telling you. I didn't mean for you to worry.”

His eyes were shut while he explained. ,and I was grateful for it. I knew what I would see in them if they were open. A great sadness, one that I couldn’t bear seeing on anyone, definitely not him. 

He’d cried into my shoulder for a long time that night. So much I thought it might break my heart. 

There were so many questions that I didn’t dare ask. I simply held him closer than I thought possible and reassured him, hoping that my words could be soothing in some way. 

We had each probably gotten less than three hours of sleep, and the image that faced both of us in the mirror showed evidence of that. 

There was a jarring amount of silence between us through the day. It felt like we were both walking on eggshells, painfully aware of every movement. 

He seemed unguarded all morning, in a way I had never seen before. I was grateful that Rose wasn’t there to see it. It would have been too much for him to handle, too much exposure. 

We sat in silence for a long time. 

It was only later when we were both in the shower, a steady stream of hot water cascading over both of us, providing a protective barrier between us and the rest of the world, that he admitted the cause for his actions the previous day. 

“It was my birthday. That’s why I left.”

He hadn’t looked me in the eye when he said it, shoulders slumped back, forehead resting ever so lightly against mine. 

The only thing I could think to do was wrap my arms around him, allow him the comfort he sought in my embrace. Selfishly I was acting on my own desire to be closer to him

“I’m sorry.”

Adam never seemed to stop apologising.


	8. Death

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adam's POV  
> ~Innocence is closer every day,  
> we're falling,  
> and death it feels a million miles away~

Life with Theo escalated rapidly. After the first performance it didn't take much for us to get addicted to the high of being on stage. Just a few more live shows was enough to get us hooked, and after we both spread ourselves so thin that we lost our jobs we decided to completely jump in. 

 

It was probably the most insane decision I had ever made. Aside from completely dropping out of school to live with someone I had only met about three times. It was easy though, to move my life around to live this dream with the person that I suddenly cared so much about. 

 

We were running, like children, chasing this possibility that had been dangled in front of us. We jumped from venue to venue, playing where we could, taking what was handed to us, hoping and praying that we might make it. 

 

The rest of the world eventually faded away into the background, meaningless to us. We had our own small corner of it and the rest couldn't touch us. 

 

We created something for ourselves there, made a life and we were so sure that nobody could ever tear it apart. 

 

We drank more in those first few months than I had ever before in my entire life. It was strange, but I liked it. I enjoyed the lightness of it, the strange freedom that I found in it. 

 

We did all of it together, every leap of faith, every life altering decisions was one we made hand in hand. 

 

It was easier to agree to it all knowing that it wasn’t just for me, knowing that he stood to gain from it as well. 

 

Anybody looking from the outside in wouldn't have understood why I went along with everything in such a seemingly blind fashion. Why I allowed my life to get pulled in this direction. No one but us would have ever understood, and that was exactly how I liked it. 

 

In my mind the world didn't need to know, didn’t need to understand. Only the two of us mattered. Our world didn’t have room for anyone else's opinions. 

 

Everything about the way we were living was amazing. I could never have imagined that I would lead my life in this way. I felt close to insanity when I would remind myself that it had only been possible because I had followed a stranger out the door on a whim. 

 

There was no sense to the position I had ended up in, and I didnt mind. 

 

So we ran, we ran like everything we were chasing might fade away if we waited too long to catch it. Time was running out before our very eyes, and we didn’t want to waste any of it.

 

There were stretches of time when neither of us slept for days. Constantly moving forward, pushing ourselves to new limits, testing our abilities. 

 

We had the stamina to do it, we were young, and dumb, and our big dream was blinding us from seeing anything else. 

 

Playing shows at every opportunity and partying every other night became a norm. It was perfect, with Theo by my side to lift my spirits and remind me what we were doing it all for. I faltered, more often than I would ever admit, but he always seemed to catch me before it spiralled. 

 

Theo became my moon, lighting this strangely welcoming path. My suddenly bright world needed him, clung to him and his impossible gravity. 

 

I could hardly see five meters in front of me, but somehow I wasn’t afraid enough to turn back. Theo made me brave. 

 

After a show one night we decided on a whim to forgo the expected post performance drinks. 

 

Neither of us were quite drunk enough to blame our actions on anything but our own whims and excitement. 

 

I couldn’t have been sure how we found ourselves on a street lined with colourful storefronts and gaudy statues, but It was exactly the kind of place Theo and I were likely to end up. 

 

He led me into a store that appeared to be some kind of a thrift shop. It had the most strange kind of items, things one might find in a museum of sorts. It was like stepping into another world and discovering new ones every time you picked something up. Everything had a story behind it, and I was curious about every single one. 

 

Watching Theo become excited over every interesting item was the easiest thing I’d done that night. Simply enjoying his lively chatter and beautiful smiles that he sent over my way. It was so easy to appreciate everything that he was allowing me to have. 

 

He bounded around the store, pulling my through crowded aisles between stacked shelves. There were so many reasons for me to be miserable in that place, the reminder of everything we couldn’t yet have staring me straight in the face, but it didn't matter while his smile was in my sight. 

 

There was a ring that had caught Theo’s attention, he tried to hide his interest, but it was too late I had already seen the glimmer in those whiskey brown eyes. Somehow the lady running the shop noticed as well, and jumped on the opportunity to make a sale. 

 

According to her the ring was blessed, every couple that had ever bought it had a happy marriage and two children. Without fail. 

 

Somehow she had also recognized the nature of our relationship, which was not a particularly difficult task, especially considering the unfiltered adoration that seemed to always be pouring out of me for him. 

 

“We definitely can’t afford that ring right now, but I promise you, one day when we’ve made it to the top of the charts, well come back here and we’ll get that ring.” The words flew from my mouth faster than I could think to cram them back in, but I didn't regret them once they were out. It wasn't an empty promise.

 

“Are you planning a proposal then to go with it?”

 

“Well of course I am, the only question is if you’ll say yes.”

 

“It doesn't matter what the ring it is, the answer will always be yes”

 

“Oh Theo, I forgot how much of a romantic you are. So if it’s a fifty pence ring from primark you won’t mind.”

 

“Hey, don’t mark me as the romantic, I’m not the one that writes love songs all day.”

 

By the time the conversation debating over who between us was the most romantic at heart came to a close we had found ourselves in the centre of what appeared to be another section of shops, this time crowded around an art piece that resembled a tin can that had been thoroughly mutilated. 

 

“Come dance with me.”

 

Theo held out a hand for me to take, and perplexed as I was I accepted the offer. The bright lights and pastel colours became a whirlwind around as us he pulled me into the yellow spotlight of a streetlamp. 

 

It was an uncoordinated and out of time waltz in the middle of an empty street with our coats flapping about around us. 

 

He tucked himself into me, arms draped loosely around my neck, head resting above my shoulder. The movement between us slowed nearly to a sway, no one but us to witness these intimacies that might have meant little to anyone else. 

 

Neither of us were in any way tired yet, still running on the high from the stream of parties and performances that had blurred into a timeline. 

 

Spring was coming to an end, the chilly air may not have shown sign of letting up, but as the days flew past summer was beginning to peak its head around the corner. Time was moving so quickly, and there was nothing we could do but make the most of what we had.

 

When our dance came to a close I decided that our night wasn't quite over yet, and very nearly dragged a half drunk Theo into the only open store in the immediate vicinity. For the first time since I had met Theo he was speechless as I pulled him through aisles of poorly made discounted items until I found what I had been looking for. 

 

I pulled one single plastic item from the shelf and held it up between us.

 

“Theo Hutchcraft, will you promise me that someday in the foreseeable future you will consider potentially marrying me, the absolute idiot that you have let into your life for no ascertainable reason?”

 

“Well that was long winded.”

 

“Yeah I know, but that was kind of the point, wasn't it. I thought it was romantic.”

 

“No it absolutely was, I just wasn't expecting it.”

 

“Would it have been better if I’d just gotten down on one knee and waited for you to interpret the meaning? ”

 

“No of course not, it was perfect. I couldn't have asked for a better proposal to a proposal.”

 

There was an almost comfortable anticipation burning between us then as we waited for the cashier to ring up our purchase of the single ring. It lingered even after we had spent long drawn out moments exchanging kisses in the darkened space next to the store where no wandering gazes could find us. 

 

We walked home in pleasant silence, nothing but the sounds of the city and the undercurrent of nature cutting through the events of the night that lay behind us. 

 

The silver paint of the ring glimmered every so often as it bounced on his neck from its position on the chain he always wore. 

 

Neither of us spoke until we were in bed, the first signs of morning peeking in through the drawn curtains. 

 

It was Theo that spoke first, always the one with more to say, always the one with the right words. 

 

“I’ve never been in a relationship before. Not like this. I don't know what i'm doing.”

 

We always seemed to be making these sort of admittances in these moments, under the shelter of a closed door and the shroud of darkness. 

 

“Well you don't show it, you're doing just fine Theo. Trust me.”

 

I highly doubted that my words would ease any of his concerns, but I wasn't sure what I could do to provide him some comfort. 

 

I almost would have thought he had fallen asleep had it not been for his open eyes as his breathing evened out and silence fell between us. Once again the first words were carried on his breath. 

 

“Are we exclusive?”

 

“I've never really thought about it. But I’m not sleeping with anyone else, if that's what you’re asking.”

 

“Oh.”

 

“Theo.”

 

“Mm.”

 

“Would you like to be exclusive?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Ok, then were exclusive. Now i'm pretty sure that you haven't slept in over thirty six hours, and we have a long week ahead of us. I love you, and good night.”

 

Silence again.

 

“Adam.”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Do you really love me?”

 

“Yes, is..is that all right?”

 

“Yes. Adam.”

 

“Hmm”

 

“I feel the same. I mean, I love you too.”

 

“Thank you.”

  
  
  
  
  


_ Theo,  _

 

_ Im saddened by you, saddened because of you. Never has anyone spoken such words to me before. How can something make me feel so lucky, and undeserving all in the same moment.  _

 

_ I love you Theo, I wasn't lying when I told you that, and I don't think you were lying either.  _

 

_ I’m terrified at the prospect of loving you, terrified at how exposed it makes me feel. It's amazing though, everything we have together, I wouldn't give it up for anything, there's nothing that could be worth more than being with you. Im probably insane for thinking like that, but I really don't care. It's fantastic, loving you.  _

 

_ You are so worth loving, so worthy of being loved. I hope you know that, I hope I show it enough. You are wonderful, and gentle, and kind, and I cannot think of anyone more worthy of love than you are.  _

 

_ I’ll give up every last bit of control that I have, just to make sure that you know you’re loved. I’d do that, even if I’m afraid of it. I’ll never be truly fearful if it's for you.  _

 

_ There’s so much love in the world for you, I’m sure of it. Not just from me. Every single one of your friends cares about you, they all worry and hope that you’re ok. Especially Rose, I hardly know her, but I can already see that she would do anything for you. I can understand why. She loves you, for all the same reasons that I do.  _

 

_ I didn’t know I could feel this way, so overwhelmed by this kind of emotion. It’s so foreign to me. To love and be loved, it’s something I have never seen in my future. To be fair I never considered the possibility of someone like you entering my life.  _

 

_ I love you Theo. What a strange thing that is. _

 

_ -Anders _


	9. Lost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Theo's Perspective  
> ~It's a different destination, same situation  
> lost in the distance between us~

Perfection was the only outcome Adam and I ever wished to achieve, nothing less. We worked too hard, and had given up far too much to be satisfied with anything other than the best. 

 

We kept moving, kept trekking until we couldn’t any longer, always. We didnt know anything else. Failure was a non-option. 

 

I was afraid of failing, wasn’t ready to give up on my dream, not yet. The greatest comfort was knowing that Adam was exactly the same. I could see it in his eyes every time we sat down to write and compose. There was a fire burning behind those focused blue lasers. 

 

We pushed ourselves far beyond healthy limits, challenging each other as we went along, keeping ourselves moving out of spite. He would keep working just to prove to me that he could go as long as I could, and I would mirror the action simply because I wanted to. 

 

It was only ever when one of us would fall back that the other would follow suit. 

 

It was yet another aspect of our work relationship that didn’t make sense, and it fit right in with everything else. 

 

Rose joined in too, I had known she had an ear for music since the day I’d met her, it was part of what had attracted me in the first place. 

 

Every single one of my friends had a love for music, I had surrounded myself with people that connected me back to it. It allowed me a small comfort, to have that again.

We worked hard, pushed through everything that could be in our way. Hangovers and sleep deprivation were arbitrary to us. I became impatient, the closer we came to reaching this impossible goal the more I craved the taste of success, even if I had no idea what it might mean. 

 

I found myself admitting small things to Adam, revealing aspects of my life that had never been shared, never been seen. In the moments when everything would slow down around us, so much so that I felt myself scrambling to find my footing, I would speak truths that when hanging in the still air between us grounded me, gave me a small portion of reality again. 

 

One day when he had been sitting on the chair in the corner, and for a moment he’d reminded me of a small child in school, I’d found myself questioning our strange relationship, just as I had done so many times before. 

 

“Do you ever remember your dreams?”

 

The question seemed to confuse him, a look of a amusement on his face, the one that he typically saved for my especially dumbfounding moments. 

 

“Not really. I used to have really vivid dreams, nightmares actually, much like yours. They’ve long since died down though. Now it’s only once in a while that I’ll have dreams that I’ll remember once I’ve woken. Why do you ask?”

 

“There’s this one extremely vivid dream I keep having, and I’ve just been really curious about it!”

 

“Tell me about it”

 

“Why?”   
  


“Im curious about your dream now, I want to get inside that mysterious head of yours.”

 

“Insane sure, mysterious I dont think so.”

 

“Still I want to know.”

 

“All right, its your funeral. Well there’s this one dream I’ve had a few times now. There’s a mountain in front of me, and you’re there. Youre stanidng at the top waiting for me, You keep calling for me to join you, and I try to climb up to meet you but everytime I do the mountain starts to crumble beneath me, everywhere I try to place my feet it just turns to dust, and I fall back down to the ground. After a while you climb down and the entire thing just collapses in front of us. We’re supposed to climb the mountain but we destroy it instead and we just walk straight through the space where the mountain used to be. That’s always the point when I wake up.”

 

Neither of us could make sense of the visioin that I had depicted to him, and an answer wasnt what I had been looking for. We left it there, the truth that I had just spoken, and moved forward, not knowing what might become of it left to its own devices.

 

There was never any distance between us, every part of this unimagineable life was spent together. It had to be that way, embarking on the journey of musical success alone would have likely destroyed either one of us if we had done it alone. I needed a person whose insanity matched mine so as not to lose hope entirely in our vision. 

 

I was already beginning to see the cracks in Adams carefully built facade, just as I knew he was seeing in mine. The knowledge of this truth was never vocalized between us, yet the understanding was there. 

 

The barrieres between us were quickly being shot down one by one. After the first had been removed the rest began to fade in rapid succession. 

 

If it werent for his extreme actions on his birthday I might not have seen it coming. 

The progression of empty space between us was so steady and gentle that I allowed it, simply to watch the events unfold. I was faced with the decision of resistance, and I declined. At any moment I could have easily pushed back, ensured him a place far from my mind, I could have built everything keeping the distance once more. Somehow in the comfort of the relationship that he and I had built, I decided to forgo non-compliance., out of curiosity more than anything. 

 

I continued telling him peices of my life, words tumbling out in the moments when we were alone. Phrases strung together that I had never heard outside the jumbled mess in my head suddenly became tangible, became somebody else's reality. Somehow I’d never imagined that I would find relief in such truths being known. Maybe only because it was him that held them, I found strength in letting go. 

 

It was surprisingly easy for me to let go of everything I had been holding back, it fell away from me with no effort, before I could even think to stop it. I could tell the same wasn’t true for Adam, every detail of his life before we met was only uncovered after pulling it out like poison from a wound. Every word of revelation was far more painful for him than it could ever be for me.

I could see easily that he didn’t think I’d notice, assumed I wouldn't be watching. The panic in his eyes and actions wasnt for me to see, but I caught it nevertheless. 

 

The beginning was familiar to me, almost firghteningly so. The scene unfolded nearly a mirror image to the day we met. 

 

We had gotten off stage, still trapped in the high that left me stumbling for hours, and somehow in between the sloppy smiles and carelessly exchanged words a brawl seemed to break out. 

 

My body moved as slow as if I had actually been under the influence of some socially manacing drug, a contrast to the speedy movements taking place around us. 

 

Somehow I managed to lose track of adams figure that was once alongside my own in the throngs of people. The stench of stale cigarettes clinging to leather and spilled beer only deepened the haze that my mind seemed to already be lost in. 

 

I found it miraculous and energizing when I made it out of the seedy pub unharmed, and when I found Adam in a state whose confusion echoed mine I was more relieved than i imagined I could feel. 

 

“Wow, I’m surprised you managed to make it out without even a scratch on you. Colour me impressed.” the tone in his voice was playful, the slight glimmer in his eyes revealing the nature of them. 

 

“You and me both. I even managed to get a punch in.”

 

“Well then, that calls for celebration then doesn’t it.”

 

“That sounds right up my alley. What do you have in mind Mr.Anderson?”

 

“How about a lively game of chess and a rendition of Romeo and Juliet?”

 

“Why Adam, you must have read my mind, how did you know, you have just described the perfect evening.”

 

“ Didn’t you know, Im psychic!”

 

“Well, you must be.”

The laughter erupting between us didn’t seem to reach elsewhere, all other people in sight wrapped up in their own antics. 

 

We stayed at the pub far longer than necessary, waiting for our friends to make an appearance. Neither of us were ready to leave yet, still far too wrapped up in the excitement and glory. 

 

The birghtness in his yees was an addictive one, I was helplessly drawn to it like a moth to a flame. There was no shame in sight to be felt any longer at getting lost in the depths of his piercing gaze. 

 

I nearly expected us to end up in the alleyway beside the pub, an image mirroring a scene that had been played in my head more times than I would ever admit out loud.

 

The world shifted, in an instant, from the lens that I had been scrutinizing it through. In the haze of the post performance rush and strangely familiar emotions I found myself hanging on the sidelines, watching and waiting for something I didn't know was coming. 

 

It was hours later when we finally decided that it was high time for us to leave, all exhausted and finally back to our senses. We had one more victory to put on our list, miniscule in comparison to the one of untapped feats, but worthy of note nonetheless.

 

We piled into the car that had enough seats for all but one of us, and the equipment stuffed mercilessly in the boot. The creaking of the tin machine was just worrisome enough for me to keep my eyes open and focused on the world around me. 

 

Adams silence wasn’t unusual to me, he was often most reflective in times like these, the ones where after a storm life slowed to a crawl. 

 

The chattering and restlessness of our group was lively and enough to grasp my attention for a while. 

Talk of new ideas for improvements and reminiscence of the excitable crowd was invigorating and I felt every bit of joy that swept through the air. I got carried away, excited in the immeasurable bliss of another small success. 

 

It was only when I turned to Adam to see his reaction to an event that had been recalled from the night that I noticed the look of panic in his eyes. Miniscule as it was, I saw it right away. It was a look I had seen before, staring back at me in the reflection of a mirror. 

 

I waited until we were in the safety and comfort of seclusion, no one but the two of us to witness what might transpire. There was something strange betrween us, a disconncect that I couldnt hope to understand. For the first time in our relationship it seemed that he was hiding something from me, holding more back than usual, unwilling to alliow me to see it. 

 

There was an internal struggle, a war raging within him, I recognized it through the small glimpses that I was allowed in. I couldn’t seem to find a cause for his distress, no matter how much I backtracked through the events of the night. 

 

I watched him unsure of my place in his moment of anguish, wondering what action would be appropriate to take. 

 

He seemed to be searching for something, as he moved around in a nearly breathless manner. Fumbling around rooting through the various contents of the apartment that belonged to him. 

 

My confusion didn’t cease when he appeared to have found the object of his search. A different type of struggle seemed to envelope him then. 

 

I knew I should have given him some privacy in what was clearly a difficult moment, but I couldn't seem to look away as he pulled out an orange bottle from one of his scattered items in the flat. 

 

He didn't even notice my presence in the room, focus entirely placed on the object in his hands. He seemed to consider it for a few moments, pondering further action. 

 

Shaking the contents of the bottle into his hand I watched over his shoulder as a single white pill fell from the half full container into his waiting palm. From the distance at which I stood from him I couldn’t quite make out enough detail to ascertain the nature of the pill, and in the time it took him to swallow it dry I was able to notice only a few details of the object. 

 

I caught his eye afterwards, still unsure if there was anything I could do or say in this particular situation, unsure even of the circumstances I had found myself in. 

 

He seemed just as lost as I felt when he placed himself in the same chair that I had gotten so used to seeing him in. I almost could have thought that none of the events playing through my mind had actually occurred, that I had merely delved so far into my own imagination whilst we were writing so as to forget my surroundings. 

 

This possibility was not one of truth and I was aware of the reality of the situation, and my own ineptitude in approaching it. 

 

There was a dance of avoidance between us, neither of us brave enough to break the barrier of silence that still hung almost tangibly in the air between us. It was a strange distance that I had never seen the likes of, something keeping us apart in more ways that one. 

 

I watched and waited, wondering when the storm would finally come, knowing without a shadow of a doubt that it eventually would. 

 

Over the course of the next hours the fear in adam’s eyes seemed to dissipate, until there were no traces of it left, save for the questionable memories I held. 

 

He seemed so far away from me that night, impossible to reach. Even when we were in bed, facing each other I was afraid to reach out to touch him, that if I did he might recede further into his shell of seclusion. 

 

He watched me, calmer now, eyes wide with a lightness behind them opposite to what I had seen in them earlier. I doubt either of us knew what could have been said in that moment, what could have been done to aide the situation.

 

For the first time we both stayed on our respecticve sides of the bed, neither one of us reaching for each other. I couldn’t have expected the turn of events, and without Adams embrace I feared I may never find any sort of comfort in sleep. 

 

Adam grew tired quickly, and surprisingly fell asleep even before I did. The peace in his expression almost erasing the fear I felt in the memory of that night.  

 

When I had woken in my usual position I wasn’t in any way shocked, knowing that in our unconscious states we must have gravitated towards each other. It was inevitable that it would happen. 

 

It felt almost intrusive of me to ask about the previous night, but curiosity and worry got the best of me, I needed to know what had affected him in such a horrible way, and what I could do to help him. 

 

I took a long time for him to tell me after I’d asked, it seemed that he couldn’t find the right words to formulate a worthy explanation. 

 

“It hasn’t happened in a long time, but I used to have panic attacks anytime I was in a car. The first time it happened I thought I was having a heart attack, it was terrifying, I didn’t know what was happening, and I was too young back then to have even heard about what anxiety was. I thought my heart was going to beat out of my chest. My doctor perscribed valium for me back then, when it was at its worst. I hated the stuff, after I took it the first time it made me feel worse than the panic attacks. The whole situation was a mess, but it got better after a little while. I never expected it to come back, it hasne been giving me that much trouble these days. I don’t know why it flared up again last night.”   
  


There was nothing I could say in response that would convey just how sorry I felt for him, how much I wished I could protect him from this pain. I couldn’t truly understand the struggles he was going through, not having enough experience with such things to be able to step into his shoes as he told his story. 

 

I didn’t ask any further questions. Confident that if there was any more information he wished to share that he would tell me. I didn't want to rush him, knowing how difficult revealing these aspects of his life already was.

 

I wasn't willing to push him any further, there was just one more thing I wanted to know simply so I could help him in any way I could. 

 

“Does it help, the valium?”

 

“Kind of, it’s hard to explain but it kind of just pushes the panic inward, so I’m calmer on the surface and I don’t feel it so much but I know it’s still there. I hate taking it. it sounds stupid when I say it out loud, but it makes me feel weak, like I’m dependant on something.”

 

“You shouldn't think like that, if it helps you function then it’s for the better, if you need it you shouldn’t feel bad about it. It’s like if you were taking medication for asthma, no one would tell you to suck it up and not be dependant on medication. Right?”

 

“I guess that makes sense, you’re probably right.”

 

“Well of course I am, its me the mystical Theo there’s no need to look any further, the solutions to all your problems are right here.”

 

His beautiful smile and laughter finally broke through the emotions permeating the air, and I found exactly what I was looking for when the life seemed to be brought back to his eyes, and the distance between us began to close. 

 

“You're an idiot.”

 

“I thought you already knew that.”


	10. System

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adam's POV  
> ~I wish my friends could see me now,  
> but i'm captured in your gaze~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about my sporadic uploading, i've had an extremely busy week but i've been writing whenever I get opportunity.  
> Also thank you for the amazing support so far, I really didn't expect anyone to ever like my writing. Keep commenting any and all thoughts you may have about this, I truly enjoy getting feedback, negative and positive alike.

10 - System - Adam

 

There were very few remnants of the life I used to live. The connection I held to a world without Theo were miniscule, and the memories faded with new ones replacing them faster than they could leave. It seemed as though anything before him was dissipating as if my life had gained a new focal point, like my entire world had shifted to fixate around a new position and there wasn’t enough gravity to hold up anything else. 

 

I didn’t mind, losing the connections to anything that came before him, I didn’t miss any part of my old life. Knowing that my brother was doing just fine without my constant care made it easier. He would reassure me every week when he emailed me that everything would be alright, that I didn’t have to worry so much anymore. 

 

It was a strange freedom, living life only for myself, not being responsible for any lives but my own. Theo’s consistent clumsiness and inability to avoid injury helped, it allowed me the chance to care for someone else’s future, to still have someone to hold myself accountable to. I needed that to ground myself, to have a goal to work towards and consequence for failure. 

 

He pulled me along on the crazed journey, allowing the whirlwind of what we were undertaking to consume us, to take over every aspect of our lives. His youth and zeal propelled mine, and the vibrant look in his eye whenever we came close to achievement was like nothing I had ever experienced. It was addicting, being able to have such things with him, I never wanted to let it go. 

 

I never expected it, never even thought I deserved it when he was gentle and caring towards me, in a way that I had never experienced before. I revelled in the appreciation he showed me, the soft way he held me when he could see that I wasn't all right. It felt strange to surrender myself to such things, to be weakened by his comforting embrace, to fall apart under his gaze. 

 

It was rare that I would allow it, let myself be vulnerable in such an unfamiliar way, but when I did I felt a safety in knowing that he would be there to ease me through. There was no sense to be found in how right it felt to share these things with him, to let him see me in my weakest moments. There was no logic in the way my heart seemed to beat out of my chest every time I would see the concern in his eyes. 

 

Theo represented everything that I was too afraid to become. Energized and fearless, Young and reckless, he was free. There would be moments where these characteristics that I so admired would seem to be exploding out of him, and they would lend themselves to me for a short while. Those became some of my favourite times, when we stood on the edge of the world with every possibility in front of us, and there were no differences between us. 

 

Moments like those were infrequent, and I only barely noticed when they started becoming fewer and farther between. 

 

The high of pretending to be rock stars almost every night and the endless string of parties carried us through the beginning of the more difficult months. I could tell his nightmares were getting worse, but I still could find no indication why. 

 

I was afraid to ask sometimes, afraid to know what could have caused this brave man in front of me so much distress. 

 

He was so alive, so bright at times that the version of him I saw behind closed doors almost seemed to be an entirely different person. I couldn't understand how the person that had given me so much love and joy and hope could feel so much pain. 

 

Curiosity seemed to get the best of me one night when I was trying my hardest to stay awake so as to provide him some company in the more difficult hours. The question slipped from between my lips and I almost thought I hadn’t even said them out loud when the only response was silence. 

 

“Who is Evelyn?”

 

He simply stared at me, shock written all over his expression after I had asked. I couldn't have known what would come next. 

 

“Pardon?”

 

“Evelyn. You’ve been saying that name in your sleep. You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, I was just curious.”   
  


“She’s a nurse.”

 

“A nurse?”   
  


“Yeah, back in Whitby, up south. That’s where I was living before I moved here. A few years ago I was, um, well I got hurt and she was the nurse that was treating me that night. The thing is I don’t like doctors and hospitals and all that, I’m kind of terrified actually, and I was just not doing well and they had put me on all these drugs that were not really helping the pain they were just kind of making me feel really woozy which made me feel more afraid actually and she was really kind and stayed with me through the night. I guess she took pity on me because I was on my own and like seventeen years old.”

 

“How did you get hurt?”

 

“I got glassed in the face.”

  
  


I didn't expect the anger that ambushed me at this knowledge, just the image of somebody having the nerve to hurt him gave me the strong urge to protect and defend. The experience of the rage that rushed over me was unnerving, and I had no clue of what to do. 

 

I couldn't even speak for what may as well have been hours as we both lay there in the dark and silent room. 

 

Eventually consciousness was overthrown by sleep deprivation and I stood guard while he slept. Tracing the lines on his face I tried to imagine the story he had depicted to me. There were still pieces I couldn't quite fit together, still parts of the picture missing, but I didn't dare pry any further, grateful for all that he already gave me. 

 

I couldn't imagine it, the pain he must have felt, the fear. Each and every time I tried to I only managed to work myself up further. The anger had rooted itself deep, and everytime it awakened I grew fearful of it. I wasn't willing for it to have control. 

 

Nestling into him further I contemplated everything that I didn’t know how to approach. All the emotions that seemed to be throwing each other around in my chest, weighing down on me. 

 

I was truly terrified at the knowledge of how much I cared about this man, and how easy It would be for me to lose him. He was fragile, and I was too weak to be what he needed, what he deserved. 

 

Everything he saw of me was merely a facade, a poor imitation of all that I wished I could be. There was no strength, no brevity within me. I was a shallow mess of a man, weak to emotion and fear, always wanting to be more. 

 

I wanted to be better, maybe even just for him, so that I could give him better. 

 

His warmth in my arms only caused this desire to multiply, and looking at him the only thing I could think to want was happiness on his behalf. This burned within me, like a restless flame, flaring every time I would see him on stage, presence captivating the ears and heart of everyone around, including my own. It never seemed to cease, as long as I was around him it burned, my own little furnace glowing within me, an ever present reminder of everything I was working towards. 

 

After that night I began asking more and more about his life, desperate to understand this strange man. He’d tell me stories of people he knew, experiences, little details that fascinated me to the very core of my being. I loved listening to him talk, watching him emphasize each detail with his hands, gesticulating wildly into the empty air. 

 

“I met Rose in a lecture at school, but then we actually got to talking after I spotted her in a bar. I tried some stupid pick up line on her, and naturally it was a gay bar but I didn't really take that into consideration. We actually ended up having a deep argument about philosophy ‘till about three in the morning, and of course she won. We’ve kind of just been really close friends ever since.”

 

Mundane as they were his stories never seemed to fail in capturing my attention. Whenever Theo spoke his presence was the only focus my mind could take on. He seemed to be able to light up everything he did, everyplace he went, simply with his energy. I couldn't understand it, but it pulled me in anyhow. 

 

I came to love rose, as the person that had taken theo under her wing so graciously. They were quite the pair, both complete outcasts within their own right, and neither minding this fact. They were maddeningly wonderful, the both of them, inspiring and amazing in a way I hadn't thought possible. I couldn't help but admire the steady friendship they both had, the understanding they had created. They were both strong admirable people, and together they were unbeatable, that much had always been clear to me. 

 

I was still rattled by the information that the had provided me with, even weeks later, the knowledge of his attack still was fresh in my mind. It kept me awake at night, when I knew he couldn't see me, when there was peace on his face and fire in my heart. 

 

Once again an unfamiliar emotion was overthrowing me. Anger was chased by fear in a hateful cycle that felt like it might drive me insane. I was so terrified at the rage that continued to envelope me, and I still couldn’t understand it. 

 

I felt compromised by my own emotions, weakened by my newfound knowledge. I couldn't stand it. 

 

My mind kept returning to the night we had met, everything I had given in to when I had followed him out that door, everything I agreed to when I allowed myself to succumb to my desire to be with him. 

 

I had known exactly what I was getting myself into when I had kissed him that night, even still through the events that followed. I knew that I would never be the same, that he would cast a permanent shadow on my mind. Somehow I couldn't bring myself to regret it. 

 

Resistance had been strong that night, I had fought valiantly against the notion of falling in love with this man, knowing exactly what would happen if I did. 

 

I could feel every defense I had ever built against this being torn and broken apart. 

 

The possibility of going back had already been thrown out the window, there was nothing I could do to bring myself back from this edge that I had brought myself to. The damage had already been done. 

 

Control was fading from my life, and I couldn't regain it. 

  
  
  
  


_ Theo,  _

 

_ Everything i've ever known has shifted entirely. My whole life is being built on a new foundation. I'm tempted to blame it on you, on your irresistibility and the compulsion you gave me to centre my life around you. I can't do that though, I knew what I was getting myself into when I met you, I knew how easily I could fall for you, I could already see how far you had infiltrated into my life.  _

 

_ I made this decision theo, I chose to let you have this power over me. I am the only one who deserves any sort of blame.  _

 

_ I can't seem to recall with clarity anything that came before you. Searching for memories from before we met is quickly becoming like reaching through a veil into another life, one that I no longer have any presence in.  _

 

_ Everything I ever had or did before you is becoming meaningless. I can't even begin to explain how that happened.  _

 

_ Part of me is desperate to fight back against this, resist everything within me that loves you hopelessly.  _

 

_ There's a strange quality to admitting, even here on paper, that i am afraid of the anger I am feeling on your behalf. That it is overthrowing all sane judgement that might reach my mind.  _

 

_ I don't know. _

 

_ You've seen me in such vulnerable states, and I don’t know how I allowed it to happen. It was so sweet though, the feeling of having you watch over me, protect me from my own past. I can't imagine why I ever thought I wouldnt want that.  _

_ It's strange how knowing you has changed me, in every respect.  _

 

_ I'm still lost.  _

 

_ -Anders _


	11. End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Theo's Perspective  
> ~Deep in time, watch through your eyes  
> Keep telling yourself it's the end of the world.~

There was nothing simple or easy in the notion of explaining my life to Adam. He already knew so much, more than any other living person, but there were still aspects of my life before him that I was afraid to even consider putting into words. 

In waking hours I avoided conscious thoughts of it at all costs, not knowing what might happen if I let the poisonous memories infiltrate. Somehow it seemed that my mind and body had betrayed me, had left me hung out to dry under the scrutiny of the only person attentive enough to notice. 

His question had shaken me, pulled me out of my delusion that escape was an option. The look in his eyes, and his impossible patience had pulled the words out of me. I wasn’t willing to lie to him, and I knew he was asking not out of curiosity but concern for my well being. 

I told him what I could.

I wanted to pull back my words, reel them in from the open air when I saw the look in his eyes. I didn't recognize what I saw, had never seen anything like it before, but I almost immediately wanted to recoil from it. I hated what it had done to him, and I hoped for the both of our sakes that he wouldn't ask anything further, knowing that I wouldn't be able to lie to him, and that neither of us would know what to do with the answers. 

He left it, didn't pry any further, but didn't make any attempt to neutralize what was there, hanging still and ominous, almost tangibly in front of us. 

He became curious after that night, began asking for more miniscule details of my life, piecing together something I couldn't even yet understand. 

I would have given him everything, I wanted to, desperately. Looking at him I always would have given him anything he asked for. I would have answered every query, but I couldn’t manage the words to explain. There weren’t any that seemed adequate enough, none that gave me any sort of satisfaction. 

I gave him stories instead, anecdotes about Rose and little mishaps that I would have liked to forget. They were tiny insignificant moments, but they were all I had, and they were enough for a short while. 

He listened as I handed these things over to him, took what I gave him gratefully and didn’t ask for more. 

I could see it blossoming, the fear and anger within him. It didn’t frighten me,but I wanted to pull away from it nonetheless. It was a foreign state we were in, unfamiliar and daunting in a way that nothing between us had ever been. 

He began to push himself further into the work, creating as much as he could. When we learned about computerized synthesizers he spent a week trying to perfect his ability to use it. He would barely speak to me, buried in the new possibilities that had arisen. 

It was strange, an imbalance forming wherein I became the observer, watching and waiting while he was silent and drowning in something new. I felt as if I was anticipating something worse than what I had already seen. There was a pit in my stomach that didn’t seem to want to dissolve. 

It stayed for weeks, this horrible indescribable emotion. 

For the first time in what could be seen labelled as our musical career, we began planning for a broader future. We learned, picked up tips and tricks from those that had succeeded before us. 

A routine began to take shape in our lives, one that included both of us adhering to an almost scheduled timeline. We were trying to do everything the ‘right’ way. Doing research and aiming to impress we started pushing towards something resembling success. 

Our world began to pick up pace, a rocket zooming forward, aiming for nothing closer than the stars. We continued on the trajectory we had already set, fueling the movement with merely the concept of who we could become, what we could do. 

Almost as a counterweight the moments in which we found each other and formed our own small world began to slow down, offsetting what could be seen in everything around us. We would discover ourselves in a state no one could infiltrate and connect in a way that we never did with anyone else. 

Everything between us was there for no one else’s eyes when we were walking home from a meeting with a record label about a demo we had recorded and in the late evening darkness we discovered a lone football in the middle of an empty field that just so happened to be miraculously dry. 

Playing football was am endeavour I was not given much opportunity to embark in given the near constant rainy and muddy conditions of our particular geographical location. Somehow though on this day when anything was possible the ground was dry. 

I should have realized that on the field was where Adam would shine. This was his stadium, his place of freedom and possibility. 

For the first time outside of the confines of our bedroom and workspace I watched him blaze, light up from within, everything that I was so drawn to within him finally bursting through his exterior layers.  
It was brilliant, seeing him become freed of everything that normally would weigh him down. I didn't want it to ever end. All the pain and and trouble I had ever seen him in fell away before my eyes, and it was a mesmerising sight. 

We tossed the ball back and forth under the light of the single streetlamp that still shone, and suddenly the world was forgotten. I learned then that he could do one hundred kick-ups, he showed me, demonstrated with pride in his stature and excitement in his eyes. 

He didn't point out weakness in me when I couldn't match his skill, never allowed me to feel any sort of humiliation. 

We ended up with no distance between us, my hands pulling at him, tugging him closer. Needing to just feel him with me, cherishing everything I had found with him, everything I had with him by my side in that moment. 

We lived together, we worked together, slept in the same bed. There was nothing we didn't share, but these moments that we had, these periods of close proximity and isolation were better than anything else. We were never closer than we were at those times. 

There was no fear, no worry, just him and I and the solid ground beneath us. For a little while this was the only truth that mattered. 

It ended, just as everything ends, far too soon. It returned, the grey cloud that had been threatening to tear a black hole in my world encroached, and I was scrambling for purchase. 

I spoke first, unwilling to wait and find out what might happen if I left him to his thoughts, needing to expel the emotions that were bubbling up. 

“What are you thinking?”

“Do you want the full truth, or the easy truth?”

“Adam.”

“I know, I know. Fearless as always aren't you?”

“Adam.”

“I'm afraid all right, suddenly i've had to realize how easy it would be to lose you and I don't know if I could ever handle that. I have so much more to lose now than I did a year ago, it's a weird thing to get used to.”

“Oh Adam.”

“What, why are you smiling like that, what?”

 

“I care about you too.”

“You suck.”

“In more ways than one.”

“I love you”

“You better”

The walk home was a long one, nearly silent, both of us spent from the immense emotional strain from the events of the day. The swirling mass became suddenly slightly less daunting, less like something that might destroy everything I knew. 

It was quickly forgotten. 

We walked among darkened streets and somewhere between the passing lights of cars rushing too fast to be seen with any sort of clarity and storefronts with closed shutters I found myself staring at a familiar face. 

She was walking in the opposite direction, on the other side of the road, but I recognized her nonetheless. 

“Hey, I know that girl!”

“How can you even see that far?”

Squinting into the distance he attempted to make out the face that had caused the moment of recognition. 

“It’s not my fault that your eyesight is rubbish.”

“It’s not mine either, I blame it on crappy genes.”

When she walked past without any sort of acknowledgement our way it was clear that Adam could already sense my disappointment. 

“Leave her”

“What?”

“Leave her, she’s aloud to be afraid right now. I know it’s unthinkable to you but imagine the amount of people that don’t see it the same way. Look at the scenario from her eyes, she’s allowed to walk away.”

“But- I would never-”

“I knew you wouldn’t, but she doesn’t know that. It's ok, it's not your fault, but it isn't hers either. Look at where we are, imagine how this must be playing out in her eyes.”

“I hate things like this.”

“I know, the world is disappointing sometimes. Let’s just go home, it’s been a long day.”

When he pulled me into him I allowed myself to find comfort in his embrace, taking the opportunity that had come my way. We stayed like this for a moment before he continued speaking, simply letting the words sit between us. 

“The world's a scary place, I know you wish it wasn't, but it is. Im sorry Theo, it sucks, the whole thing just sucks.”

I couldn’t find the words to respond coherently, he had been correct, just as he always seemed to be and there was nothing within me that was willing to fight back against it. 

When we finally arrived home there was no shock to be found when we discovered a police car waiting outside the building, lights blinking for all to see. There was nothing unusual in the sight before us, the surprise came when we learned of the reason behind the visit.

“What’s happening officer?” Adam directed his question at the uniform that was very clearly bored, lounging lazily against the car. He never even looked up from his mobile when he responded. 

“There’s been a break-in, you had best hope it wasn't your flat.”

It was a slow trek up the stairs, forgoing the lift, just as we did more often than not. We took our time, hoping against reason that we had been spared, that someone else had been turned victim. 

There was a very audible sigh released from both of us in an almost comical manner when we reached our flat to find that it was still secured and locked. The commotion in the hall let us know that we hadn't been quite as lucky as we had thought, only barely saved from a horrifying fate. 

Rose, brave faced as always had been in the flat the whole time we had been away, and had been prepared for the worst. Equipped with a plastic sword she had been waiting at the door, all too ready to protect her territory when we entered.

Adam, ducking out of the way, flipped out immediately, shouts of confusion and fear bouncing around when she swung the long erect plastic object. 

Both of them stared at me, likely assuming that I had finally lost my marbles when I burst out laughing, so much so that I even began to tear up. Somewhere between gasps for air and roucous giggles I tried to speak. 

“Rose, oh my god - you do know that's a toy sword right. The worst damage that could do is a bruised ego.”

“It did the job for Adam, did you see the look on his face?”

He looked between the two of us, the crazed look in his eye quickly transforming to defeat, before throwing his hands in the air and turning towards the bedroom. 

“I give up, both of you are insane. I swear to god.”

The humor of the situation quickly swelled once more, and we both found ourselves laughing uncontrollably. 

“I'm going to bed, it’s been a long day.” I announced once we had finally found the capability to control our inane behavior. 

Entering the bedroom I found Adam lying on the bed, still fully clothed, resting atop the sheets. He watched me, amusement and perplexion written on his face as I returned the sword to it’s spot behind the beds wooden headboard. 

“Theo.”

“Hmm”

“Why in Gods name do you have a plastic sword?”

“Uhm, it's actually a really funny story.”

“Wait, er, it’s not some weird roleplay thing right? I mean it’s fine if it is, but um it’s not is it?”

“Ew, no it's not what you think. My brother gave it to me. We were really young and I got upset at him over some stupid thing he did so he saved up money raking leaves and got it for me. I hated it at the time, but when I moved out I couldn't leave it.”

“I didn't know you had a brother.”

“Oh yeah, I guess I never mentioned it but yeah, I've got a younger brother, his name’s Jak.”

Adam waited for longer than I expected before he tried to pull out more information. It was hours later, when the only thing on my mind was the question of what the record label had thought of the demo we had submitted, that Adam asked for more. And for the first time I had nothing to give. 

“So, do you have any other siblings?”

“I-I can’t talk family with you Adam, I’m sorry I just can’t.” 

The words sounded more harsh than I had wanted, even still he didn't flinch, didn't throw back any anger my way, probably already understanding that the rough edge in my voice wasn't directed at him. 

“Ok, that’s all right. We don't have to talk if you don’t want to. Anyhow were celebrating right.”

“Yeah, let’s- let’s celebrate.”

He kissed me then, all smooth skin and simple wonderful movements that made me wonder how I had ever found this man, how I’d ever managed to reel him into my disastrously crazed life. 

It was a great comfort to have him right where I always knew I’d find him, to know that at the end of the day he was a constant. It was a lovely, great, catastrophic emotion that made me wish I had more answers for him, 

Having him there was a comfort, but I didn't quite know what that might mean.


	12. Money

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Money  
> Adam's POV
> 
> ~This is the perfect story,   
> You don't know where to begin.~

Money had always been a strange concept in my mind. It had ruled over much of my life. Everything that I had ever done, everything that had happened to me was because of money, or a lack thereof. For as long as I could remember money held some some sort of control over my quality of life. In my mind it was a menacing force that almost always caused destruction. 

 

Over time I found that I began to resent it, money, the way it seemed to run the world and the people in it. 

 

Theo and I didn't have much money, even collectively there wasn't enough to have any sort of excess. Playing small insignificant gigs couldn't bring any sort of weighty revenue. Most of what we had went towards the music. 

 

I despised it more than I had anticipated when we had to apply for unemployment benefits. 

 

The idea of being signed to a label was unimaginable right up until it was staring us in the face. We had never considered that it would ever become our reality. 

 

It was weeks before we finally heard back from the label, and when we got the email there was no longer any ground beneath us. The territory was new and unfamiliar, and there was no telling how this new journey would end. 

 

We took our time, scrutinized every detail of the agreement, pulled apart every possibility, discussed every scenario until there was nothing left to do but make a decision. 

 

The only outcome that was even plausible for us was success, we didn't have a plan b. Theo hated backup plans so we never even considered them. 

 

“If you have a backup plan that means you're planning for failure, than you expect it and you're just waiting for it to happen. I don't wanna do that, I want to plan to succeed.”

 

He was right, his strange wisdom always made sense, always gave me comfort that at least one of us know what we were doing. I never knew where he got his odd sort of brilliance from, his wise words seemed more like they should come from the mouth of a grandparent in a rocking chair. Not that I knew what that experience might be like. 

 

As much as outsiders might think it was happening too fast, that we were jumping into something we were yet to truly understand, we were careful. We never made a decision without a strategy going in. Weren't ever hasty. 

 

We couldn't, I was too afraid of making mistakes that we would later regret. Failure due to miscalculations and recklessness. It wasn't just my dreams on the line, it was Theos as well. Carelessness wasn't an option, not for us. 

 

I wasn't going to be the reason that his hopes and dreams fell through the cracks, I refused to let that happen. 

 

The day we got the offer to record our first single was, what I thought at the time, the greatest day of my life. It was the beginning of apparent success, in an industry that was so hard to succeed in, and in the moment it felt as though I had everything I could ever want. 

 

We booked time in a recording studio, and for the first time I got to hear his voice, loud and clear, with no interruptions, and amazing acoustics. There was nothing but the magic that I only ever had with him. 

 

Everything became magnified for a little while. Every emotion, every piece of gratitude and hope and happiness that I had found with him became almost unbearably saturated. The experience of watching him take flight into the music was heightened in a way that I had never imagined could be my reality. 

 

It was amazing, but terrifying. All on one swoop i was visited by the most extreme emotions that I thought I could ever feel. I knew in that moment that if I ever lost this, this opportunity to live my dreams with this man by my side, that I wouldn't survive. That if I ever lost him I would lose everything else. 

 

There were only two songs going on the record, but we made sure it was as perfect as we could make it. We had spent days trying to decide which songs should be on it. In the end we chose two that Theo had written, both brilliant pieces that I knew had amazing potential, songs that I was proud of and wanted the rest of the world to hear. 

 

It was a long process, one that I was entirely willing to live through, knowing that if executed properly would lead to everything we had ever wanted. 

 

We worked tirelessly over every detail, not letting up until it seemed there was nothing more we could do. We kept going, kept moving, not even allowing ourselves to consider what might happen if this worked out in our favour, knowing that at any moment it could all crumble and fall right in front of us. 

 

It seemed that until we were completely satisfied with our work we couldn't sleep, couldn't focus on anything but completing it. Nagging in the backs of our minds we spent every bit of energy we had on the work, knowing that we would never be happy with it if we didn't put our all into it.

 

The money was a difficult thing to consider, of course we needed it to survive, needed it for the basic necessities of life. But once that was out of the way the remainder of it began to nag at me, began to make me wonder once again if we truly knew what we were doing. 

 

Our lives as musicians began to form into a tangible reality around us, and I watched it all happen, unsure of what to do. 

 

It fizzled away quickly, almost dissipating before out eyes in a way that made it seem as though none of it had happened ot begin with. After a while the only remaining evidence of the small success we had found was the neon blue and black vinyl, serving as a reminder of both the turn events seemed to be taking, and the possibility of hope. 

 

It was a strange sort of in between state we entered into where in neither of us knew what might become of us. We still had each other, still had the music and the band, but I felt as if we had just suffered a great loss. 

 

The record had been created, it was placed on the markets, it became something, and than it was gone. There had been no telling what would happen once it was out of our hands. 

 

It was all new, just as everything with him and I always seemed to be. Strange and foreboding, unfamiliar in every aspect save for the constancy between us. Everything we knew was changing, everything we could imagine could potentially unfold before us. Strange was the only word for it. 

 

We waited, for weeks, hoping that the best would come. Going into it we knew what our chances were. GIven who we were, and where we came from it was never likely that we would achieve everything we were looking for on the first try. 

 

This record had the potential to be our very first failure, or our first real success. It could become anything, and once we let go of it we lost control of the outcome. This was a terrifying feat. unthinkable to us that we would lose this tight hold we had over everything in our lives. 

 

It didn't sell. We found out after a few months, the records went into a few local shops, and they generated no interest. There was no hype around our music outside of the dank, confines if pubs and bars. 

 

The news should not have been as disappointing as it was. Nevertheless, we felt let down. Saddened by the outcome of events. 

 

There seemed to be nowhere left to go, nothing above or below us. We had lost our footing on solid ground, and couldn't figure out which way was up. We were drowning in everything that we had just lost. 

 

There was a strange period afterwards wherein it seemed like neither of us knew what our next steps should be. For the first time we didn't have a plan. We lost our footing and there wasn't enough light in the world for us to take the next step with confidence.

 

We tried to work through it, spent days sitting across from each other, with nothing but silence in the air. 

 

For the first time we had no idea where to go, or even if there was anywhere for us to go. We waited, but we didn't know if anything would happen this time. 

 

Weeks went by and we didn't leave the apartment for anything but groceries. No shows were booked, no instruments were even touched while we waited for any sense of inspiration to return to us. 

 

There was nothing familiar about the situation we were in, no words of consolation or wisdom that could change how lost we had suddenly become. 

 

It was our first loss, and we didn't know what could be done to rectify it.  

There was a nearly unmanageable wait while we tried our hardest to jump back in. Frustration began to mingle in with the determination and it got all mixed up with everything else, intertwined within the mess that had become our lives. 

 

A month previous I had not minded the jumbled monstrosity of it all, but when I was staring the possibility of failure in the face I became afraid. 

 

It was strange, what become of me during this time. Everything that I feared seemed to be resting beneath everything, and it became a fragile state we were in. I didn't know what to do, but I would never admit it. I couldn't let him see what had become of me. 

 

We tried again, with a new name for ourselves and a different style we jumped right back in. It was the only thing we knew how to do. 

 

The writing changed almost in an instant. It became manic and seemed to reflect more on the state we were in. It was terrifyingly authentic and accurate for who we had become. 

 

I kept going, probably only because he needed it. I could see it every time I recognized my fears reflected in his eyes. I wasn't ready to let him down so I kept going. 

 

We fell into roles that were a little less carefully planned, a little less perfectly staged. Who we became was closer to who we really were. What we created was something a little more similar to the world we existed in. 

 

The original plan was followed as much as possible, despite all the changes we did our best to stick to what we already knew. It made me wonder, question realities that I had previously been positive I understood. But with Theo in my life I couldn't be sure of anything anymore. So I began to wonder. 

 

He had been watching me intently while I worked, and I got lost in it. There was no room in my mind to contain the swirling mass of uncertainties. So I let the words slip through, unaware of the levels of my own coherency. 

 

“Do you believe in God?”

 

“What?”

 

“Do you believe in God? I mean I've known you for quite a while now and you don't seem to be particularly religious or anything, but, I mean you never know. So I don't know, I was just curious.”

 

He waited with that strange smile on his face that made him seem more like a time wisened man rather than someone barely getting out of his teenage years. It was a smile that told stories of a life filled with hope, and pain, and misery. It was as strange as everything else that I had been given the opportunity to see in him. 

 

“I do, I believe in God but I think its in a different way than most people do, you’ll probably think it's pretty strange.”

 

“Tell me, I wont judge.”

 

“I know. It's kind of tough to explain but I see God everywhere you know, in everything. I believe that he is a divine creator and I see him in the beauty of everything. I respect him as an artist, and everything I do, everything I make is in an attempt to imitate his perfect planning and intricate detail work. You were right I'm not particularly religious, but I do believe in God. That probably makes no sense, but I don't really know how else to explain it.”

 

Somehow as he explained it to me I began to see it, conceptualize it. And it truly did make sense, suddenly everything I had thought I was so sure of, every belief that I had held so confidently fizzled away, and every concept in my mind began to take on new shape. 

 

We finally got back into it, the writing and creating, into the positions we were always at the ready to jump back into. 

 

It took more time than I anticipated to fall back in. I waited, restlessly, unsure of even my own placement in the world while we held on desperately to what little we knew and understood. 

 

Days passed, days of painstaking effort, pushing ourselves far beyond the limits we had already established for ourselves. It almost seemed hopeless, the notion that we may be able to find the inspiration that had carried us thus far. 

 

We locked ourselves away, barely spoke, and only ever in broken jumbled phrases that couldn't be deciphered even by us. Ideas came and went, fluttering insubstantially through the tides of half finished sentences and disconnected thoughts. 

 

It was messy, and somehow in the clutter I found comfort. 

 

Something had to come, something had to change, and we were ready for it, whatever it might be. 

 

Change arrived, and in its shadow came an army of potentials and sustainable ideas. It was random, showed up in a moment we least expected, but we welcomed it anyway.

 

The small insignificant idea propelled me through the uncertainty and unimaginable fear that swelled when the possibility of failure was the first thought that followed. 

 

I lost everything around me, even Theo was swallowed up in the dark emptiness that I found myself in. It took a long time to wade through, even longer to understand. 

 

I allowed it to take over, the music and the words that went along with it. It was small, a  few lines that flowed in tandem with each other, but it was enough to carry me through. 

 

A week later we found ourselves back in the thick of things once again. On a tiny cramped stage with nothing to offer but the music that we had given up everything to make. We did all that we knew how to, and gave all that we possibly could. 

 

It was a terrifying ordeal, just as it always seemed to be. But there was something different this time, an unspoken fear hovering in the damp air around us. He never showed it, but I saw anyway. It was there, and nothing I could do would alter it. 

 

That was the first time I ever recognized fear in him, the visibility of it only accelerated my own panic. 

 

I couldn't explain why I felt the need to rush when I was locking the door of the public toilet behind us before I pushed him up against it. Couldn't express why I felt as if I might drown if I couldn't be close with him, feel him with me. Why I was desperate to have him, and was almost disappointed when it was over. 

 

Of course he saw it all written on my face, observant and understanding as he always was, he saw everything. My weakness to him revealed more than I could ever be comfortable with. 

 

He waited before asking, allowed me to return to myself. Let me rebuild some of what his scrutiny had torn down. 

 

“What’s going on?”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“Don’t play dumb, you know what im talking about.”

 

“I know, its just, its kinda stupid.”

 

“And yet, I've never found anything you’ve said to be stupid.”

 

“Never?”

 

“Never. Try me, I'll understand.”

 

“We didn't have enough money to buy drinks for ourselves, don't have enough to even take the bus home instead of walking, in the middle of cold rainy fall in manchester. I just, I don't know, I hate feeling disadvantaged like this because we don’t have money.”

 

“Money is nothing but a concept Adam, we didn't need it before, we don’t need it now. We can still have everything we want to achieve. Money won't change that.”

 

“How do you come up with things like that? Wisdom that sounds like it’s coming from an old man that's lived through multiple wars or something?”

 

“Im convinced that I was reincarnated.”

 

“Of course you are”

 

The feigned exasperation in my voice succeeded in making him laugh, breaking the serious nature in the conversation that I had been reluctant to have. 

 

It should have eased the weight that seemed to have made its mark on my chest, should have managed to lessen the effects of the lonely sort of despair that had been crushing me. Somehow, despite my better efforts, it didn't. 

 

“We don't need a lot of money adam, we can do everything we want without it. Believe me, money is nothing if you've got passion. And guess what, we have passion, and we've got each other. We'll be fine, I truly believe it. “

 

“You're not afraid?”

 

“Well of course I am, doesn't mean I dont have faith in us.”

  
  
  


_ Theo _

 

_ All of a sudden I’m wondering if I know what I’m doing, questioning my own judgement. There's so much I dont know of you theo, so many parts of your life that are still hidden from me.  _

 

_ I've had to begin to consider the idea that you didn't know what you were getting into when you let me into your life.  _

 

_ You couldn't have possible seen all this coming. _

 

_ What if this is too fast, what if im pushing you too far, too much. What if you're not ready for all of this.  _

 

_ I really do love you Theo I don't know what I would do if you left me now, the im with you the more afraid I seem to become.  _

 

_ Please don't leave me now, I don't think I remember how to be alone. _

 

_ Maybe this isn't for us, maybe this whole idea, this entire concept that we might be able to achieve success in a world that doesn't want us to find it. Maybe I should have walked away while I wasn't so reliant on you. Maybe I don't know anymore what I'm doing.  _

 

_ -Anders _


	13. Private

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Theo's POV
> 
> ~The flashlights and echoes paint your suicide  
> They say that you had a name  
> We talked, you were fit to die  
> On your own again~

I wasn't equipped to understand what it meant when Adam began drinking more than he ever had before. He had always been apprehensive at first, always so fearful that he might fall into the trap of becoming someone he would despise. 

It felt like a dangerous sort of shift when it became easier for him to lose himself to everything he had stood strong against. And it was a terrifying experience when it dawned that I may have been the influence that caused this change.

There were no reference points for me to look towards, no history beyond our year of parties and crazed obsessive work sessions that almost always resulted in a unintelligible mumbled epiphany and an onslaught of confusion. 

The road before me was unknown and there were no lights to allow me any hope of navigating safely. 

Our music changed somehow, became something I wouldn't have recognized as my own creation even one month previous. It started to reflect a darker aspect of who we were, a life that I had worked to push far into the past, and had apparently failed to forget. 

We began to play in a way we never had before, connecting on a plane of existence that I hadn't even been aware was possible to reach. It was a heady experience, one that drove me to the brink of something insane and unimaginable, something terrifyingly unknown, and it always brought me back. Every single time I returned back to a reality that I couldn't yet truly understand, back to Adams hold on me, the irresistible pull that seemed to have become my only constant. 

All filters that I had worked hard to build up began to fall to pieces and I never even realized it until I was looking at him through the open cracks and found him staring right back. 

Getting back on our feet was a time consuming process. It seemed like it would never end, as if we might never be steady enough, never be strong enough. 

A lonely christmas passed us by, the first one we spent together, and it was just us, our small family stuck together with no one else to lean on. It wasn't the worst christmas I had ever had, far from it in fact. 

We got drunk and pretended to hate crappy old classic movies that I had been watching since childhood. It felt like tradition, an event necessary given the occasion. It was a melancholy experience, that brought with it a terrible pain that felt like a sucking wound in my chest. 

It almost felt worse when it mingled with the manic happiness that I felt with his company. Twisting inside of me with the force of a deadly human sized blender. I resented myself for it, for being able to find an undeserved comfort in having him with me while i reminisced on all that I could no longer have. 

I found that I couldn't run much further from the memories that the day threatened to bring to the forefront of my mind. The veil between my two worlds was thinning, and I couldn't hide from what I already knew was coming. 

There was a strangely comforting amount of relief in realizing that I wasn't alone in the displacement i was drowning in at that moment. We were a trio of lost souls. 

Nothing was slowing down, the crazy mess that was our lives was showing no signs of letting up, and it was just a little bit frightening to consider what might become of us. He became quiet again, pulled back into the shadow that I had seen looming over him since the day we met. 

Locking me away again he started to recede into his comfort zone, and the net of safety that it provided. Knowing nothing else I followed suit, accepting protection from the only thing I always knew I could hold onto. 

We spent Christmas eve huddled on a darty couch that I had won in a poker game the previous year. Rose made eggnog that neither of us trusted, and Adam wound up drinking the vodka straight from the bottle. 

There was no sense to it, as usual, and none of us made any sort of attempt at rectifying that. 

Rose fell asleep with her head resting on Adams lap, and he never complained, even when a steady stream of drool fell from her open mouth. And when he fell asleep too I felt alone in the room, quiet only permeated only by the noise of the telly. 

It was already Christmas morning, before even the sun rose to greet us, when Adam woke. Eyes scanning the room groggily before they locked on mine. 

“Merry Christmas.”

The whispered words meant nothing to him, I already knew how foreign a concept holiday celebrations were to him, how unimportant these traditions seemed in his mind. He humoured me anyway, probably sensing my desperate need for any sort of semblance of familiarity and comfort in a time where such things were rare. 

There shouldn't have been so much value in the smile that he allowed me, the beautiful shameless upward turn of the lips that I adored. 

He fell asleep again, head lolling back against the couch cushions in what couldn't possibly have been a comfortable position, grip tight on my hand, only loosening hold when exhaustion took over. 

Christmas day was just like any other, except with potatoes from a box and frozen chicken baked in an oven that had previously been used to store my collection of fleece blankets. 

On New years eve I gathered the courage to finally present Adam with his gift. It was a miniscule thing that had little meaning outside of the four walls that encased us. There was confusion in his expression and alcohol in his eyes when I held it up for him. 

“I meant to give it to you last year. Not really as a formal gift or anything but, I meant for you to have it since the day we met. I could never finish it, it felt incomplete and I needed you to have it instead of me cause I don't think i know how to put the pieces together and you always seem to know how to fix these, you've got like an eye for it or something. You see things that I can never understand.”

The piece of paper was crumpled and torn around the edges from months of being folded up and tossed to the bottoms of drawers and mercilessly shoved into trouser pockets. There were stains from when a pen had leaked the first time I had tried to write the hopeless thing. 

I had dredged it up numerous times, feeling a sense of incompletion tugging at me every time I remembered its existence. Countless sleepless nights had passed me by while I had sat alone in my old splintering wooden chair hoping for something like a miracle. 

It had always been for him, from the moment i first had the idea i knew it would be for him. It spoke all the words that i couldn't string together in proper sentences, described every emotion that had been brought to the surface on that first night. From the exhilaration of catching his too bright eyes to having him heaving against me ravaged and wrecked in all the best ways knowing that I had been the one to do it to him. 

He read it over, once then twice, whispering the words under his breath, eyes flicking between me and the page, unsteady and silent, understanding what was before him. 

“Is this...is it, about me?”

“Yeah, yeah it is. I know its a little bit intense, but it's honest.”

His eyes burned with something fierce, for barely a moment, only long enough for me to question what i saw, before settling back into something more akin to what i had grown used to seeing. 

“I..thank you, ifs beautiful. Brilliant really, i can see where you were trying to go with it.’

He sat for a long while, staring up at a ceiling that held no truths for either of us. I found myself wondering in the space that we left open if i had pushed too far, if things were better left unsaid. 

When he spoke later the words didn't seem to be for me rather for the simple act of admitting them. He never once looked in my direction while he allowed the admittance slip through. 

He described to me the events leading up to our first meeting. It had been strange, realizing that i had never before seen it through his eyes. He explained emotions that I had no experience nor understanding enough to allow me to conceptualize.

He spoke in stuttering phrases, strung along with long silent pauses it between. They were short incomplete sentences that painted small pieces of the picture that I had been waiting so long to see. 

It felt as though I wasn't even present in the room as i attempted to understand. 

The day after new Year’s we went out, somehow it was the first time we had gone to a pub just the two of us. We had sat in a dark corner hiding almost from the mass of sweaty tangling people. Unknown and forgotten I waited still while he spoke, knowing just how much he needed to be rid of this weight I remained patient, opposing his ultimate restlessness. 

The beer in my hands went warm and by the time I even remembered that I had it I was repulsed by the taste of it. 

We were all alone in an infinite world, just for the night it seemed that nobody else even existed, even in the bodies surrounding us we were the only souls. 

His silences drove me closer to insanity than his words did while he upheld his promise to make understanding known. The image of a person brought to an edge that presents the falsity that only one viable option exists was a story that took me further into the dark recesses of the world than I was prepared for. 

Nothing could change how wrecked I felt knowing what I did then, nothing could rectify the changes that had been made. I was grateful beyond belief that he had allowed me the insight, but I felt torn down the middle. 

It all came back to the day we met, everything always seemed to, and as we were leaving that was my only concern, that emotionally obscuring day, not the person calling out a name that I only half recognized.

It was his name apparently, a nickname, recognized easily by him, even through the haze of inebriation. The only lesson I could glean from the story he revealed was how very little I truly knew of the life he used to have, the person he used to be. 

I couldn't see anything of him but the person that I had always thought so highly of, and I had never even thought to look past that. Never realized how incomplete my knowledge of him was. 

It took ages for me to trace the lines of his life through his words, to pull the few pieces I had together. The mournful emotions that flowed through me were horrific to the greatest extent, and for a long time after being rammed with them I discovered that I couldn't quite place myself. 

There was a horrible beginning, but a hopeful ending. There was finally a moment of relief when the last piece of information became understood. 

“It was a catastrophic day for me, and I didnt think I would even survive the night, but then you showed up and I was already making plans for the future. And now here I am a year later.”

Unintentionally I had saved him from himself that first night, i had pulled him out of something unimaginably horrible, and I hadn't even known until that precise moment. 

Only his words pierced the night later when I was still lost in the truths he had revealed. While we had lain side by side under the open skies with nothing but the moon as witness to our actions. 

“This is gonna be a good year, I can feel it. Things are going to change, things will get better. I know it.”

Simultaneously as the words left his mouth a new resolve seemed to take on form behind his eyes, something enthusiastic and brilliant bloomed from a place that had previously been dark and cavernous. 

I could only hope that his words would become a reality.

The conversation was then left behind, Unforgotten but forgiven in the wake of the possibilities that were still yet to come. It didn't matter to me anymore, the dull ache that rested in my heart at the knowledge that I had been ambushed with became diminished by the eventful change in tone that had occured throughout the night. 

We moved forward into the year with no more plans, no more ultimate decisions of who we wanted to become. Knowing enough by then how very infrequently life went according to plan we let the universe make the big decisions. 

It was tragic for a little while, and just for a little while I fell behind. In our small little world i became lost in my own fear. All of a sudden his life became even more fragile and in my hands. We became a tragedy for a moment, and I became all to aware of the horrible fact that I could have lost him before i even had him. 

Gratitude for his place in my life was overwhelming as it had always been, it poured over me in waves of ecstasy and terror that I couldn't differentiate between. It was my fairy tale and nightmare intermingling. 

I couldn't tell how it happened but our world suddenly shrunk and the music was my beacon showing me the road home. Bringing me back to him. Right where i knew i belonged. 

There was no normal for us, no such concept of an irregularity in a life of irregularities. If he noticed the change in my behaviours he didn't let on. I took a page from his book, took a step back, watched him, observed. 

I only loved him more, strangely everything i saw, everything i learned drove me closer to him. The sudden notion of the complete loss of his existence in the world multiplied everything in my heart that was already devoted to him. 

He was necessary to my continued life, i’d known that ever since i woke up from dreams of horror and pain to see his face pushing out everything else. From that precise moment onward he became a fixed point in my life. 

After that everytime he would look into my eyes as if he could see every last piece of me, or when he would pull me into an embrace so tight as if he was drowning and i was the only thing that could bring him back to land, every time he kissed me as if he may never have the chance to again i pushed back just as much. 

I watched, and noticed, i saw everything that changed. He had always been afraid, i could see it in his eyes, flaring up in moments of uncertainty. Somewhere around the time that i admitted a portion of the truth behind the name being spoken by me in my sleep he began to act on his fears. 

It was easy to see, he clung so desperately to the few certainties that showed up in our lives. And he'd pull away so quickly when the tables seemed about to change. 

There were never enough words for me to reassure him in times like those, never any consolements that seemed fitting for the circumstance. I despised myself more than a little for being so incompetent. 

It haunted me for a long time, even before I could be aware of it the feeling that I was failing him followed me around darker and more threatening than the clouds that hung over manchester menacing and uncontrollable. 

We didn't broach the topic any further, and once the idea of it had punctured the air neither of us were willing to consider what it really might mean. I never let him see what it had done to me, it wouldn't have been fair. He had placed this truth in my hands, it wouldn't have been right for me to tarnish it in that way. 

There were boundaries that I wasn't willing to break. Not with someone as important and undeniably impossible as him. 

Conversation flowed differently between us after that, it wasn't so easy to speak and understand. We both poured everything that had been left unspoken into the music, knowing that at least that could hold us together. We were still a team, still the perfect pair. 

I learned a great deal of him through the music, his focuses, his needs. It wasn't easy but I recognized these things, knowing him as intimately as I did had its perks. I was already in his head, there was not a thing that could change that. 

He held me just as he used to, i didn't need it like i used to, but it was welcomed with open arms nonetheless. His embraces were always welcome. It was a greater warmth and peace than I had ever before experienced when i was in his arms. I had no complaints about that. I never had any complaints about his brilliantly beautiful and addictingly sweet love. 

We spent the majority of the first month of that year experiencing the world again. Understanding the needs and wants of those we were always trying to appeal to, trying to decipher if what we had was enough for them. 

We tried and failed repeatedly, numerous times unsure if we could even sustain the friction of living like this any longer. Our actions took on a desperation that had the semblance of a man at the brink of death, rather than two youngsters with a lifetime ahead of them. In the moment it seemed much like we had only one chance left. Our world was compressing us. 

There was something unsettling in the way the music transformed into something I hadn't even known was in us until it was under my nose. Every aspect of it was terrifyingly accurate, but i hadn't realized the severity of the emotional struggle until it became tangible in the fully formed art. 

I hadn't expected the shock that came with the realization. 

Taking a step back from more than just the relationship I saw everything that I had apparently been missing. Everything I had thought id known was only a partial truth. 

I had avoided the painful aspects of who we are, the dangerous things that I knew could have torn me apart. I had done my very best to ignore the warning signs of things that required immediate attention. 

I had known it when i had seen him the first time, could see it in his eyes. The pain, the critical mess inside. Id recognized it, but had hoped that I was wrong. I had tricked myself into oblivion. 

The fire within me that had burned since id met him, the flames that scorched and consumed everything, had nowhere to go. Being so close to him every day and night, having him within arms reach of me fanned the flames but there was no outlet for them. They crawled up inside my chest, burning every piece of flesh in contact threatening to spill out of me. 

I shoved it down, just as i did with all else that threatened me in this way. Pushing it into my already burning desire for him i allowed my senses to be overtaken by it. I had always needed him, in one way or another, i always craved his touch and scent, the dangerously hopeful comfort that his presence always provided. I escaped the flames that tempted to destroy into the only thing that burned just as bright. 

I forgot every fear, every image of uncertainty and despair as he let me take my fill of his brilliant embrace. There was nothing between us, no space no air and I satiated my greed and lust. 

Id seen it, everything he had confided in me, I had seen it in him, recognized it for what it was, and it had just been confirmed. The knowledge that my assumption had been correct was almost worse than understanding what it revealed. 

I was dejected, shocked by the possibility of an event that hadn't even occurred. Just the potential wrecked me. 

The subject didn't get brought up again, neither of us wanted to dredge it back up from the depths we had buried it. It was there at all times thought, sneering at me like the monster I knew it was, waiting at the edge, far too close for comfort. 

It wormed its way into the writing, showed itself in an unwelcome manifestation. It stayed like that, onn the fringes of the life I was trying to build, threatening to destroy everything I knew. 

There was a fleet of questions that I felt the unrelenting urge to ask, many of them far too indelicate to allow past my lips. I only asked what I knew would deepen the already existing wounds. 

“So, Anders huh, what a nickname.”

“Its stupid I know, it just stuck after a while, and it was like my ticket into some sort of inner circle. It was funny at the time.”

We both genuinely laughed at the remembrance of it, of the little piece of a former life that had been presented to us. It was a strange concept that needed to be considered, this notion of people we had been and lives that had been lived before the eventful night that neither of us could truly escape. 

I had to make light of the situation, had known that it was necessary to our survival that neither of us fall into the black hole of emotions and words better left untouched. 

Words could only go so far, and eventually i landed in the position that felt right, felt safer than anything else. I became malleable, unformed and pliant to him, trusting his ever touch and word. It was all I knew how to give him. 

I waited for an excruciating amount of time for answers to come, for reasons that would make sense to my confused mind. I was too close to it, to him. I kept getting stuck on what I already recognized as utter nonsense. Running in circles I was doing nothing more than chasing my tail. Ineffectual, unnecessary at best. 

When it finally set it, when it all became real and tangible around me and I couldn't avoid it anymore it all grew to the point that I could almost feel it crushing me. There was nothing I could do to stop it, to change the spiraling course of emotions that were already moving full speed towards something I couldn't yet discern.


	14. Jealousy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adams POV
> 
> ~Deep blue eyes they discover me  
> taking too much time to discover me~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I dont really know what im doing with this anymore. I had a plan for this, and its still following that but I think I may need to take a step back for a while and work on other things. This story is just getting a little bit lost.   
> I have some other really great ideas and I think I may focus on those for a while. I have a few more T&A stories that I can definitely start editing and put them up here if you guys want to see them.   
> Let me know if you guys are interested in any of my other stuff or if you want to keep reading surrender.

There had been so many firsts, so many beginnings and endings shared between theo and I. From the very start changes had begun and had never seemed to cease. I could never truly see it coming, the endings. I avoided them at all costs knowing that more often than not they brought misery and confusion. 

 

I had the regrettable habit of making mistakes that spiraled and multiplied into a destructive torrent of self doubt that often consumed the better parts of my previously bleak existence. My tendency to ruin all the best things in my life always held a potential threat over everything I did and wanted. 

 

Springtime represented a sort of reform to me. In my mind the beginning of this particular seasonal change marked the beginning of a cycle that I already knew quite well. More than I would have liked to. 

 

Theo was highly excitable when it came to the turn of the season, just as with everything else he brought a seemingly unlimited amount of joy and hope for possibility into the situation. 

 

I drifted from him, I could see it happening and if he did as well he never let on. He had grown skilled at hiding these markers from me, when he truly wanted to. It was maddening to watch it and know I had done this treacherous thing to him. 

 

On the first of April he didn't ask questions when I left for a longer period than ever before, even when I warned him beforehand. He didn't show the same concern, I couldn't decide if I was comforted or pained by the complacency he revealed. 

 

I played golf and ate a sad lunch with the man I only knew as Roy, and my only wonder in the short span of time was regarding the man I had left behind, and not the one before me. He had contacted me, had sought me out, likely more for his comfort than for my own. Thus far biology had meant little to me, and one day was not enough to change that. The experience mattered little. 

 

Recognizing the turmoil within me that had reached worrisome levels I began to avoid even the thought of it. I found it strange that drinking allowed me to do this to no limit, and that my life had just the right amount of room for me to welcome this as a possibility. 

 

It was comical, I’d promised no one other than myself that I would avoid such a fate, and it was all too easy to break it like a dry twig, no remorse, no regret in the decision. 

 

Theo would have called it escapism, if he knew the tumbling road my mind was taking, I called it life. He would have been right, he was always right about me, even if I didn't want him to be. 

 

Out of the blue he suggested we do a show in a place we had already played before, one that always brought in a reasonable crowd, which at that point to us was equivalent to an entire stadium. There had been a lull in the shows, nothing for weeks and we only went a little nuts. 

 

There was a lot of preparation work, we were rusty and worn down from wear and tear, but theo did what I could always trust him to, he brought the light that I was unwilling to admit i needed, always the addict. 

 

He was hopeful and almost annoyingly brilliant in the torn blue jacket that I had nearly come to hate. 

 

There was no decision for me to make, no option but to admire him and his captivating presence on that stage. The brilliance in the way he belonged, melded perfectly in the space that he held. 

 

I knew it before it ended, could recognize the failure and proximity to defeat. It was a powerless moment for me. Nothing to hold onto, nothing even to grieve, it was only as disappointing as I allowed it to be. We didn't speak of it, and I couldn't tell if he had seen what I had. I could only assume so, observant and brilliant as always, he must have known. 

 

We stayed longer than originally intended, scattered across the dark dance floor with no idea what would come next. 

 

Drowning in something that tasted like gin I waited with no purpose, no belonging. Someone to my right was speaking but it disappeared in the raging thoughts that wouldn't quiet long enough for the world to slow down. 

 

I found no success.

 

Theo was far away from me that night, in both physical distance and emotional clarity. The boundaries between us had piled high, so much so that I could no longer see him over them. 

 

He was lost to me, and I lost myself in the confusion. 

 

At some point in the night the alcohol stopped burning, and I decided then that I had pushed my own limits far enough. The whirlwind of emotion flowing through my faster than the drink burned the alcohol away just enough that I couldn’t yet call myself drunk. 

 

I’d seen him seat himself next to a pretty brunette woman, I could only pretend to know what it meant. I felt invasive as i watched, his head thrown back in a laughter that I knew intimately enough that I could almost hear its ring from across the floor. Their shoulders knocked and the only sound that reached passed the roaring in my ears was the chatter of the companions who saw the scene from the same lens. They jokes, misunderstanding the gravity of what we were witness to, misreading the immediate shift that took place and disrupted the entirety of my existence. 

 

The anger peaked when his face leaned in to meet hers and the gaps in my vision were made up through imagination. Everything was silent, everything was gone from my grasp and I was done for. 

 

I waited, glass empty before me and nothing to console me but the deafening music on the speakers. The overpowering bass and shrill voice pushed everything down, far enough that I didn't even recognize its presence. 

 

His eyes caught mine eventually, and the brightness in them wasn't enough to correct the darkness in my mind. The brown was not hazy with inebriation as I had expected, and somehow that  pushed me deeper. 

 

He didn't say a word, we drove back in the old beat up car, not trusting ourselves to make it back in one piece on our own. 

 

Sitting on opposite ends we avoided even eye contact. It was easier to allow the festering emotions to stew without his presence beside me. 

 

He led the way up the stairs when we arrived, nover once even turning back to look at me. Cigarette smoke and the ugly stench of beer clung to him, it seemed out of place with the spiky hair and youthful energy, it aged him in a way that only fed all of my fears. 

 

She kept a respectful distance from us when we hid out in the bedroom that I still would never consider my own. The frustration didn't look right on him, not with the beautiful set of his features that should have arranged themselves into something reflecting happiness and hope rather than anger similar to m own. 

 

The silence grew, like some sort of menacing entity just waiting to attack. There was no telling what the carnage may be. 

 

“What happened today Adam?” When he finally spoke the words were calm and smooth, opposing the utter wreckage that seemed to be spewing from me. 

 

“Who was that girl you were talking to?”

 

“That's what this is about, the girl?” the incredulity in his voice crushed whatever resolve I had left to hold back. It all broke through the thin barrier I had crafted. 

 

“Of course it's about the girl. I saw you. You - You kissed her. I saw it.”

 

His silence was a weighty response, and I deflated almost instantly because I knew I had been wrong. From where I sat on the edge of the bed I could see his stance begin to falter. Where he had previously been leaning against the wall arms crossed defiantly he quickly lost his composure. 

 

“You think I kissed her. I mean I know everyone else was thinking that, but you should have known better.”

 

“What?” my surety was dissolved. 

 

“What indication have I ever given that I would do a thing like that, to anyone, especially to you.”

It seemed through the thick tension filled air my anger had transferred to him, it was an unusual sight, one that didn't sit well with me. There was fury in his eyes, and only a slight recognition of the forgiveness that he usually held for me. 

 

I was quiet, if only because I lacked any sort of proper defense.

 

“I have never been a cheater, and I am not one now.”

 

His words burned a hole like acid through my chest, the difficulty I had breathing was only due to my own lack of concentration. He stood there against the wall as if glued to the spot, and a response was lost to me. It may have been better that way. 

 

He was the first to move, pushing away from the wall and slamming the bathroom door behind him with the force of a small windstorm, forgetting to lock the door as expected. 

 

It was only when I could hear the shower running that I found mobility. He would want privacy when he came back, I would give him all that I could in that moment, solitude was the least I could provide. 

 

I braced myself for an ambush, knowing fully well that my concern for theo did not surmount the invariable energy rose continually had when it came to theo. This case was no different from any other. 

 

At least she gave me enough time to boil water for a tea. Another small mercy i didn't deserve. 

 

The scrutiny was welcomed by me, the chastisement and anger that theo would never have expressed on his own behalf were like acid burning down my throat, a punishment i willingly bore. 

 

I explained my end of the situation, knowing just how ridiculous the words sounded once said out loud. 

 

“You are a complete and utter fool, you know that right? Either you're an oblivious idiot or an insecure asshole, or maybe even both. There is no universe in which theo would do a thing like that to you.”

 

I knew the truth behind her words before they even left her mouth. Of course I knew him better than that, of course I trusted him more than that. 

“He is so in love with you, he would never risk your relationship for something stupid and temporary. Even I can see that, and I barely know the kid.” Her laughter came with a certain sense of irony. 

 

“Dude, you messed up.”

 

Her words struck me then, harder than anything else that night. The mere idea that he might love me so visibly and greatly. It shook the very ground beneath me. Id never considered just how far gone he was with me, how deep I had taken him. 

 

We sat in silence, neither of us having the energy to continue, both knowing that the message had been made clear. 

 

By the time I finished my tea I was overwhelmed by questions directed at rose, my mind had latched on to one particular detail of the conversation.

 

“How come you're so protective over him, I mean you keep saying you barely know him and things like that, and you guys don't really have many connections but you two practically breathe the same air.”

 

“He reminds me of my dead kid brother, what's your excuse?”

 

There was a long stretch of time before I could even think of an answer, and by that point I was too exhausted to even consider what it meant.

 

“I dont have one.’   
  


When I returned to the bedroom I found theo already under the covers, eyes closed, but wide awake. He didn't stir when I entered and only shifted slightly when I crawled in next to him. 

 

He spoke first, always the braver one between the two if us.

“This can't happen again adam.You need to have more trust in me” the words were quiet but forceful in nature and the words to promise him better got caught somewhere between my lips. 

 

Neither of us slept for a long time, I could almost feel the strange restlessness rolling off of him in waves of a nervous sort of energy that I had not seen in him before. In the consuming darkness I found the brevity to reach through the tangled sheets and seek out his hand. 

 

Eventually he squeezed back, hand tight on mine like it was the only grip that could save him from falling. And the words whispered from his mouth were gentle and honest in a way that I could only hope to find in him. It wasn't forgiveness but it was enough to keep me steady. Maybe Small miracle do exist. 

 

It didnt reassure me as much as I thought it would. 

 

It was a farce and i knew it when i awoke the next morning and was greeted by a smile that was only as bright as the meager sunlight trying to filter in. I found truth hidden away in his eyes, revealing everything I had been afraid of being witness to. It wasn't anger that I found there, it was something far worse than anger that i saw. It looked something like defeat.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_ Theo,  _

_ I’m sorry. _


	15. Moscow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Theo's POV
> 
> ~London to Moscow  
> it will always be too far~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ive had the idea for this chapter for a while. I dont know if this captures the vision that I had for it.   
> sorry for being inactive for so long.

It was foolish of me to believe that we could go back to who we used to be. I was too far gone. I spetn every moment of every day of my life with this man and I had changed with him. Everything we had done, everything we were, had become intertwined, I could no longer see where one of us ended and the other began.

The writing slowed to a crawl, even when all my inspiration came from what I saw in him, I couldn't seem to create like i used to. 

We continued to go through all the motions, going out nearly every night, seeking out opportunities to perform. From the start of this downfall it was clear to both of us that our actions were futile. 

We became desperate. 

Our days were spent hidden away in our room in silence, hoping against logic that inspiration might fins us. 

Adam was still his brilliant self, still composing, it just never seemed to be what we were looking for. 

For a solid week I woke up every night to find him composing what I would later discover to be the most beautiful and heartbreaking piano piece I had ever heard. It wasn't long before this same piece became a sort of lullaby for me. 

Something needed to change for us, soon. 

One particularly disastrous day I decided that if inspiration didn't want to come to us, that we would seek it out. 

“Let's go somewhere different tonight.”

I announced this to a room of people congregated in our living room, all antsy and energized for the promise of a good time and free drinks that our usual bar provided. There was a collective groan at the suggestion. 

I felt a sense of urgency in the need to experience something new. A change in atmosphere. The constancy in our lives was beginning to drive me insane, I craved something different. 

It seemed that I had pissed off many people with my sudden decision, and angered them even further with the choice of destination. 

The chorus of complaints heard throughout the car when we arrived wasn't enough to diminish my desire for this change. I had hope for the first time in an unbearable amount of time, their annoyance couldn't crush the high i was riding. 

Many of the grievances made by our friends when we entered were surrounding the dilemma of paying for drinks, this doesn't concern me, I had only one goal for the night, and i planned on achieving it no matter who was on board with it. 

Of course a minimal amount of time spanned before adam and I wandered far from the group, predictably so. It seemed more and more that I often performed the silence of his company over the loud sometimes obnoxious air that our friends seemed to carry with them. 

I didn't drink that night, opting for some sense of clarity, what was possible to be gained whilst surrounded by various overlapping sounds and smells smothering all senses. 

We sat together and I wondered for brief moments how we had managed to make it to this point. 

Somewhere through the night adam had lost his focus to a piece of sheet music he had apparently been carrying around in his pocket all night. I wasn't sure why but I suddenly found myself mesmerized by the sight. 

It was hardly anything new, but I found myself caught up in the urge to appreciate what was in front of me. 

He didn't notice me staring, so I allowed myself to embellish just a little longer. His beauty was something i had never given words to, partially because i didn't think he would accept the praise, but mostly because i feared the right words may never come. 

Somewhere between adams fourth and fifth drink I grew restless. I began to worry that I would never find what I had come looking for that night, that the excursion had been a waste. 

Leaning against the bar I made an attempt to locate all the people we had initially arrived with, the sane part of my mine concerned for their safety and well being. As i scanned the barely lit nearly full room I recognized the face of some i thought i'd never get to see again. 

Standing less than five meters from me, was my brother. 

It was jak. 

The drive to the apartment was filled with a silence loaded with questions. 

Later sitting across from my brother on our ratty couch my mind and body seemed to become misaligned. I knew exactly what I wanted to say to him, having imagined this exact conversation transpiring countless times, but having the situation unfold in front of me I couldn't seem to form he words. 

He must have had years worth of questions to ask, but he waited patiently, allowing me time to catch my breath. 

Id missed him, truthfully i didn't, but seeing him at that bar terror had washed ove md. What was I supposed to say to him, how was I meant to explain all the reasons for leaving everything behind. 

I had to wonder how much he had witnessed at the bar. I had a very distinct memory of adams hands in my hair, my lips on his neck at various points in the night. The idea of explaining anything jak might have seen between us made my mouth dry. 

I found adam in the kitchen pillaging through the fridge and the panic began to set in. he held me then for god knon how long, leaning against the counter, letting the tap run so jak wouldn't hear. 

His arms steadied me while i allowed myself a moment to feel everything I had been running away from. 

I couldn't explain the situation to him yet, it was all too much too soon. I wasn't ready to tell him how much time had passed since id last seen my family, or the inexplicable twist of fate that had led to me being in the exact same place as jak that night when he had been in manchester solely to find me. I wasn't ready, i didn't know if i ever would be. 

Jak left for the night, promising to return the next day. That we would talk more when we were both in better states. 

It was an awkward goodbye, i could hardly register what was happening, and as my little brother walked away i felt even more distant, realizing just how much of his life I must have missed. The time elapsed was shown in his new height, the broadness of his shoulders, tall stature as he walked. My baby borther had become an adult, and I hadn't been there to witness it. 

I didn't realize that I had even left the room until I was already under the running water and adam was on the other side of a door calling out my name. 

I could hear them speaking outside the postage stamp sized bathroom, but I couldn't make sense of the words, i didn't want to know what either of them had to say. 

The water ran cold long before i was ready to get out, sitting on the floor of the claw foot tub that had been the reason I had chosen this flat over the others, with the water acting as a protective barrier between myself and the world I became numb, and I would have given anything to hold onto the lack of feeling. 

Sitting on the bed dripping wet with only a towel to cover my body I allowed myself to sink further into the stupor that seemed to be overtaking me. 

I was acutely aware of adams presence next to me, what could have been hours later. The questions he asked didn't make any sense and there were no answers within me to give. 

As my senses returned to me I realized that rose must have revealed to him information that I had told her in confidence. He knew far too much, and the overwhelming urge to flee settled in even further, making itself comfortable in the deep pit of my chest. 

Laying in bed pulling adams arms tight around me I prayed for sleep to come, if only to provide as escape from the terrible reality crashing down around me. 

It between fretful dreams of tear stained faces and bloodstained streets I wondered how I would ever manage to save myself from everything I knew I would have to face. 

The image of a kind nurse in a dark room only illuminated by beeping machines haunted me in a way that left me wondering how I had ever gone all this time without my past catching up to me. 

The name Jack rang through my ears, a name I had refused to to speak since the day Id left. The bloody scene that never failed to haunt my dreams became infuriatingly more clear and holding onto sanity seemed impossible. 

Morning came for me far earlier than adam. Getting dressed and leaving the room roved to be easier than anticipated due to the depth of adams slumber and his hatred for early hours. Gratitude for this fact was not lost on me. 

I found rose reading in front of the silent television set, a habit that I had chosen to never question. 

There was some silent agreement in the exchange of looks between us, that she would cover for me, that she understood my need for distance. 

Venturing out there was no way of knowing if I would find what I was searching for, but i had to hope.


End file.
